The following are stories and jokes that I have collected from the internet or I have received from emails.  If one of these jokes brings a smile to your face, let us know.  If you have a good joke to share, send it to us for posting.  Thank you."

He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog.
You are his life, his love, his leader.
He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart,
You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion."

Much to his surprise, farmer Jones was out in the field one morning when a dog named Bubba came ambling by, singing a song.  realizing that he could make a fortune with a talking dog, he said "Hey, today's February 14.  Why don't we go to town and bet people that you can tell them whose birthday it is?"
The dog was amenable, and they climbed into the farmer's truck.  At the local diner he bet everyone five dollars that he could get the dog to tell them who was born on this day.  However much to the farmer's chagrin, the dog just sat there.
On the way back to the farm the man said "I ought to whip the tar outta you.  Ya cost me nearly $50 back there."
It's nothing." said Bubba.  "Think of the odds we're going get on Washington's Birthday."

Barking
Our dog, Longie, suddenly began barking daily at 4 a.m.
Irritated and sleepy, my husband, Larry, searched the back yard for what might have disturbed this otherwise placid animal.
For three days he found nothing amiss.
Then the dog woke up the neighborhood at 3 a.m. with frantic barking.
When Larry looked out the window, he discovered someone throwing pebbles to land near Longie.
Larry hurried outside and found the culprit. Crouching on the other side of the fence was our quiet neighbor, the last man you'd suspect of wrongdoing.
My husband demanded to know what he was doing.
"My mother-in-law is visiting," the embarrassed neighbor explained. "If she loses her beauty sleep another night, she says she'll leave and never come back again."

"A dog recently saved his owner's life, because he had been trained to dial 911. Unfortunately, operators had trouble finding the address 'woof, woof.'" -- Norm McDonald

A dog walks into a Western Union office to send a telegram.
When the clerk hands him a form, the dog takes a pen in his teeth and slowly writes "Bow wow wow, bow wow wow, bow wow."
When the clerk takes the form, reads it counts the words and says, "Are you aware that there are only eight words here, and that you can send ten words for the same price? Perhaps youíd like to add another ĎBow wowí?"
"I could," said the dog, "but donít you think that would sound a little ridiculous?"

What happened to the dog that ate only garlic and onions?
His bark was worse than his bite.

What kind of dog has a bark but no bite?
A Dogwood.

Why did the policeman give the dog a ticket?
Because he was in a no barking zone!

In what month do dogs bark the least?
February, itís the shortest month!

What do you call a meeting among many dogs?
A Bow-wow Pow-wow.

How are the center of a tree and dogís tail alike?
Theyíre both far from the bark!

Jim: "Don't be afraid of that dog. You know the old proverb, 'A barking dog doesn't bite!"
Slim: "Yes, you know that proverb, and I know that proverb, but does that dog know that old proverb?"

Did you hear about the dog that played Bach? He was about to be auditioned by a TV producer. The dog's agent warned the producer that this was a very sensitive dog, and that "You had better listen to him play because, if you don't he loses his temper and leaps at you."
The dog started to play. He was awful. The TV producer patiently waited out the performance. When it was over, he declared angrily, "I should have let him attack. I'm sure his Bach is worse than his bite."

Which dogs bark more, old dogs or young dogs?
About arf and arf (half and half)

How do you stop a dog from barking in the back seat?
You put him in the front seat.

Where can you leave you dog while shopping?
In the barking lot!

Q: What do dogs and trees have in common?
A: Their bark.

What goes ĎKrab! Krab!í?
A dog barking backwards.

Beagles
A beagle owner brought his dog to a veterinarian.
"What's the matter?" asked the vet.
"I don't know," replied the owner "but he just won't move very fast after rabbits."
"I'll soon fix that, said the vet. "I'll give him some of my special medicine."
About three seconds after the beagle had taken the medicine he jumped through a window and was galloping after a rabbit leaving a cloud of dust behind him.
"Fantastic!" exclaimed his owner. "What do I owe you doc?"
"That'll be fifty cents, please." said the vet.
"Well, you better give me a dollars worth or I'll never catch him!"

What do you call a dog with royal blood?
A regal beagle!

Smart Alec: "How far can a beagle chase a rabbit into the woods?"
Mary: "I suppose it depends on how big the woods is."
Smart Alec: "Oh no it doesn't. A dog can only chase a rabbit half way into the woods. After that, he's chasing it out."

"Did I ever tell you about my champion beagle winning West Minister?"
"No!" said a fellow rabbit hunter, "And you don't know how much I have appreciated it."

What do you get if you cross a beagle and bread dough?
Dog Biscuits!

Sometimes when I get up in the morning, I feel very peculiar. I feel like I've just got to bite a cat! I feel like if I don't bite a cat before sundown, I'll go crazy! But then I just take a deep breath and forget about it. That's what is known as real maturity. ---Snoopy

Q: What do you call a cold beagle sitting on a rabbit?
A: A chilly dog on a bun.

Bed
Mark: "My dog sleeps with me at night.
Susie: "Ugh, that's not healthy."
Mark: "I know, but he doesn't mind."

Q: Why do puppies make better pets than elephants?
A: Try taking an elephant to bed with you and you'll soon find out!

Two mothers were comparing stories about their children.
The first one complained that her son never wanted to get out of bed in the morning.
The second one told her," I donít have that problem. When itís time for my son to get up, I just throw the cat in his bed."
"How does that help?" asked the first mom.
"He sleeps with the dog."

Why does a dog turn around three times before lying down?
Because one good turn deserves another!

When they go camping, where do dogs sleep?
In pup tents!

Biting
A man was leaving a 7-11 with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A second long, black hearse about 20 feet behind it followed a long, black hearse.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him were 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said "I am so sorry for your loss and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
The man replied "Well, that first hearse is for my wife."
"What happened to her?"
The man replied "She was yelling and screaming at me so my dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
"Could I borrow that dog?"
Get in line."

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.
"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"
"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked.
"That's the one!"
"That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?"
"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."

Bob: "We have a dog named Ginger."
Jack: "Does Ginger bite?"
Bob: "No, Ginger snaps!"

Sally: "Would you like to play with our new dog?"
Jack: "He looks right fierce. Does he bite?"
Sally: "That's what I want to find out!"

Johnny: "Hey, your dog just bit my ankle!
Ann: "Well, what did you expect? She's just a small dog, and she can't reach any higher."

Mailman: "Your dog bit my leg!"
Woman: "Did you put anything on it?"
Mailman: "No, he seemed to like it just the way it was!"

While a farm worker was walking down a road with a pitchfork on his shoulder. A large, very fierce dog attacked the man, and the man killed the dog with the pitchfork. The farm worker was then charged with assault and brought to trial.
"Why did you kill the dog?" demanded the dog owner's lawyer.
"Because he tried to bite me."
"But why did you not go at him with the other end of the pitchfork?"
"Why didn't the dog come at me with his other end?"

"Say, what's the matter with that dog of yours? Every time I come near the water cooler, he growls."
"Oh, he won't bother you."
"Then what's he growling about?"
"He's probably a little sore because you've been drinking out of his cup."
Mildred Meiers and Jack Knapp, 5600 Jokes for All Occasions

Cat: I get a kick out of my master."
Dog: "When he tries that with me, he gets a bite out of me!"

Blind man on board
I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was frustrated.
Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in 30 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"
Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."
Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes; they also were trying to change airlines!

"I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog." Wendy Liebman

It's a Dog's Life
"We will not have him put down.
Lucky is basically a darn good guide dog," Ernst Gerber, a dog trainer from Wuppertal told reporters.
"He just needs a little brush-up on some elementary skills, that's all." Gerber admitted to the press conference that Lucky, a German shepherd guide dog for the blind, had so far been responsible for the deaths of all four of his previous owners.
"I admit it's not an impressive record on paper. He led his first owner in front of a bus, and the second off the end of a pier. He actually pushed his third owner off a railway platform just as the Cologne to Frankfurt express was approaching, and he walked his fourth owner into heavy traffic, before abandoning him and running away to safety.
But, apart from epileptic fits, he has a lovely temperament. And guide dogs are difficult to train these days."
Asked if Lucky's fifth owner would be told about his previous record, Gerber replied: "No. It would make them nervous, and that would make Lucky nervous. And when Lucky gets nervous he's liable to do something silly."

First woman: Did anything exciting happen with your blind date last night?
Second woman: Yeah, his guide dog bit me.

Boy and Dog
One day there was this boy with a dog. The other kids always laughed at the boy.
The boy said, "My dog can talk."
The other kids just started to laugh at him again.
The dog said, "Bow."
The kids stared at the boy and said, "That's as good as you can do?"
The dog repeated, "Bow." The kids laughed again.
Finally, the dog said, "No, no, no. I want you kids to BOW to me."

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom & Pop" grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
"Oh, he died," the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."
"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."
"Oh? What was it then?"
"I think it was the spin cycle!"

"So you're distantly related to the family next door, are you?"
"That's right! Their dog is our dog's brother."

It was "Be Kind to Animals Week" at school and a fourth grader came home full of exuberance. His curious parent asked what had happened at school that day. He told them each student had to do something kind for an animal during that week and what he did really was successful.
"What had he done?" they asked in amazement.
"I kicked a boy for kicking a dog," he replied.

A very intelligent boy was fortunate enough to be receiving a far better education than his parents had enjoyed, and his vocabulary far outstripped theirs. One day he came home from school and said," Mommy, may I relate to you a narrative?"
"What's a narrative, Gerald?" she asked.
"A narrative, Mommy, is a tale."
"Oh I see," said his mother nodding, and Gerald told her his story.
At bedtime as he was about to go upstairs he said. "Shall I extinguish the light, Mommy?"
"What's extinguish?" she asked.
"Extinguish means to put out, Mommy," said the brainy Gerald.
"Oh, I see. Yes, certainly"
The next day the parson came to tea and the family dog began making a nuisance of himself, as dogs will by begging for treats from the table. "Gerald," said his mother, trying to impress, "take the dog by the narrative and extinguish him!"

Mother: "Why are you crying?"
Little boy: "Because I wanted to get a puppy for my new baby sister."
Mother: "Well, that's no reason to cry."
Little boy: "Yes it is! Nobody would trade me!"

After hearing a shot, Todd ran next door to find his best friend Jason crying.
"Say, what's wrong?"
Jason sobbed "I - I just had to shot my dog."
"My Lord! Was he mad?"
"Well," said Jason "he wasn't exactly thrilled!"

Back before they had special effects in movies, Jackie Coogan played the titled role of a young orphan in the movie of Charles Dickensí Oliver Twist. In one scene Jackie was supposed to cry real tears when one of the boys in the orphanage asked him, "Whereís your mother?"
His reply was supposed to be a sobbing, "my mother is dead!" But Coogan just couldnít make the tears. The director, Frank Lloyd, said to him, "Just try to imagine that your mother is really dead."
But although he tried and tried it just wouldnít make the tears come. Finally Coogan asked the director, "Mr. Lloyd, would it be all right if I imagine that my dog is dead?" And that is how they made that authentic tearful scene.

"Why are you crying little boy?"
"I was thirsty - sob! -sob! - and I swapped my dog for a bottle of Pepsi! Boo Hoo!"
"And now you wish you had him back, huh?"
"Yessss! Waaaa!"
"Because you realize now how much you love him?"
"No - sob - because I'm thirsty again!"

"My dog's bone idle!"
"Why do you say that?"
"Yesterday I was watering the garden and he wouldn't lift a leg to help me!"

The teacher asked her third grade class to draw a picture of a dog. Going around she went from student to student giving words of encouragement to each child. One drawing in particular was almost perfect, so she lavished great praise upon the little artist.
The boy looked up and said very seriously, "I canít really draw a dog. So when I have to draw a dog, I draw a horse and it always looks like a dog.

A little boy was practicing the violin in the living room while his mother was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of the violin reached the dogís ears, he began to howl loudly. The mother listened to the dog and the violin as long as she could. Then she jumped up, dropped her paper to the floor, and shouted above the noise, "For goodnessí sake, canít you play something the dog doesnít know?"

True Story
A 10-year-old boy who had been abandoned by his parents survived for two years in a cave with a pack of stray dogs who scavenged for food with him and may even have suckled him, child care workers say.
The boy, thrown out of his home by abusive parents at the age of five, ran with 15 strays in the southern port town of Talcahuano after he escaped from a care center two years ago.
"He lived in a cave with dogs and roamed the streets for food with them. He would eat out of garbage cans and find leftovers," Delia Delgatto, head of Chile's National Child-care Service, told Reuters Monday.
She said earlier reports by the police that the boy had been brought up by dogs since he was a baby had turned out to be off the mark. "He wasn't reared by the dogs as such, he lived with them in a cave," she said.
The boy, who has not been named, threw himself into the wintry cold waters of the southern Pacific Ocean on Saturday to escape from police who had been alerted to his case by the municipality.
"A police officer dived into the water and saved him," a spokesman for the police said. He said the dogs looked after the boy: "They were like his family."
The child, dubbed "Dog Boy" by the Chilean media, spent a day in a hospital in the city of Concepcion and was then taken to a childcare center.
"He's showing signs of depression, is aggressive and is not speaking much although he does know how to speak," Delgatto said. "He was dressed almost in rags, was dirty and had filthy hair."
The police spokesman said the boy had drunk milk from the breasts of one of the female dogs, but Delgatto said she did not know whether he had been suckled or not. "We can't tell whether he was or wasn't," she said.
Photographs taken on Monday showed the boy, dark skinned with black hair, holding a child's crayon drawing of a pack of dogs. Two of his front teeth were broken and he had what appeared to be a scar on his left cheek.

Bulldogs
Howard was really bad to exaggerate and out right lie. A preacher decided to use a little psychology on him and told him a wild story about a two-month old bulldog pup that killed a full-grown, thousand-pound grizzly bear all by himself. Then he asked if Howard believed the story.
"Heck yeah!" said Howard "That was my dog!"

Old Lady: "Little boy, stop making faces at that poor bulldog!"
Little Boy: "Well, he started it!"

Mrs. Smith's dishwasher quit working, so she called a Repairman. He couldn't accommodate her with an evening appointment, and, since she had to go to work the next day, she told him: "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. By the way, don't worry about my Bulldog. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances talk to my parrot!"
When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Lonefold's apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Bulldog he had ever seen. But, just like she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business.
However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant cursing, yelling, and name-calling.
Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled: "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied: "Sic him, Brutus..."

Q. What's the difference between an American Bulldog and a blonde with PMS?
A. An American Bulldog doesn't wear lipstick

A guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book and sure enough finds an ad for "Gorilla Pest Control." When he asks if they can remove the gorilla, the service guy asks, "Is it male or female?"
"Male," he replies.
"Oh yeah, we can do that. I'll be right there," he states.
An hour later, the service guy shows up with a long stick, a Bulldog, a shotgun, and a large pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions. "I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls out of the tree. When he does, the trained Bulldog will move in to lock onto the gorilla's private parts. The gorilla will then cross his hands across his crotch to protect himself, and that's when you move in with the handcuffs!"
The man goes pale and asks, "Um, okay, but what do I do with the shotgun?"
The service guy replies, "Hopefully nothing, but if I happen to fall out of the tree before the gorilla, you've got to shoot that Bulldog!"

Q. What's the difference between an overzealous tax auditor and an American Bulldog?
A.
An American Bulldog eventually lets go!

A burglar breaks into an isolated country house after watching the whole family depart for a night out on the town. As he crept across the darkened living room he shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark: "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked off his flashlight and froze.
Hearing nothing more after a while, he shook his head, clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard: "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me? Who the hell are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses" the burglar laughed. "What stupid person would name a parrot Moses?"
"Probably the same one that would name an American Bulldog, Jesus," the bird answered.

"Why do Bulldogs have such a flat faces?"
"Chasing parked cars."

Chewing
My dog chewed the tongue on one of my new, very expensive running shoes. I hoped to save my investment, so I took the sneakers to a shoe repair shop. I placed them on the counter and told the man, "My dog got hold of this."
The repairman picked up the shoe, looked it over, and placed it back down on the counter.
"Well, what do you recommend?" I asked.
He looked at me and replied, "Give your dog the other shoe."

What did the puppy say to the shoe?
Itís been nice gnawing you.

A minister preached a very short sermon. He explained, "My dog got into my office and chewed up some of my notes."
At the end of the service a visitor said "If your dog ever has pups, please let my pastor have two of them."

What should you do if your dog chews up your favorite book?
Take the words right out of his mouth.

 

Chihuahua
What kind of dog is that?
A Chihuahua.
Bless you.

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, they donít just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas. Jack Handley

What is confidence?
Confidence is going after Hogzilla with a Chihuahua, a roll of duct tape and a bottle of barbeque sauce.

"Is it true youíre offering a thousand dollar reward for your mother-in-lawís lost Chihuahua?"
"Yes, my wife thinks itís a wonderful gesture on my part, especially since he bite me the night before his disappearance."
"Wow! I think thatís tremendously forgiving on your part."
"Not really, heís tied to a cinder block at the bottom of Lake Erie."

One day, Pierre was finally feed up with his wife's Chihuahua messing up the house so he told his wife he was going to get rid of the dog in the morning. She said, "Whatever!"
So in the morning, he put the Chihuahua in the car and went 50 miles north put the dog outside the car and took off. When he gets home the dog is in the driveway.
Upset he said in the morning he will be going for a ride again to get rid of the dog. So in the morning he takes the Chihuahua 100 miles north. Puts the dog on the side of the road and leaves it there. When Pierre got home the dog was in the driveway.
The next day, Pierre takes the Chihuahua 250 miles away. He goes north, south, east and west; back tracks and goes in circles. Then he puts the dog on the side of the road. He sits in his car for an hour. He then calls his wife and says, "Honey look outside and tell me if you see anything in the driveway?"
She says, "Yes, I see my dog."
Pierre says, "Put the stupid dog on the phone. Iím lost!"

There were these two buddies out walking their dogs, one guy with a Rottweiler and the other guy with a Chihuahua, when they smelt something delicious coming from a nearby restaurant.
The guy with the Rottweiler says to the guy with a Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The guy with the Rottweiler says, "Just follow my lead.
They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Rottweiler puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Rottweiler says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The guy at the door says, "A Rottweiler?" He says, "Yes, they're using them for seeing-eye dogs now. They're smart, easily trained and very good."
The guy at the door says, "Well, in that case, come on in."
The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
The guy at the door says, "Hey, Guy, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"
The guy with the Chihuahua says, " A Chihuahua! They gave me a Chihuahua?!"

Chinese Crested
If cats and dogs didn't have fur, would we still pet them?

While a redneck was waiting for the veterinarian to give his Labrador a rabies shot, he saw a lady bring in her Chinese Crested dog. Noticing it shivering and how thin it was, he said, "Ahh! Ya brought him in for the vet to put little guy, down. Poor little fellow, finally no more pain.
The highly offended lady replied, "Sir, heís supposed to look like this. Heís a Chinese Crested.
Showing a disbelieving face, the redneck said, "No! No! That canít be right."

 

CIA
I visited the CIA headquarters in Langley, Virginia, and saw a dog chasing a cat Ė and they were both blindfolded.

I found out my mailman was a CIA agent today, so I told him, "You took a chance Ė my Rottweiler is trained to attack strangers."
The mailman said, "Donít worry about your dog, heís one of us."

Collies
A farmer was driving his horse and buggy into town on a hot summer day. Suddenly the horse turns to the farmer and says, "Golly, itís hot, isnít it."
The farmer turns to his faithful Shep beside him and asks; "Did you hear that? The horse just talked. "
"Yes," answered the dog, "but heís just like everyone else; he talks about the weather but wonít do anything about it."

What is the main ingredient of dog biscuits?
Collie-flour!

 

One day Lassie went to Denmark and came back a cat.

Most Hollywood dogs donít bite. Thatís because their teeth are capped, and theyíre up for a series.

What do you call it when someone wears a dog around their neck?
A neckLassie or a collie!

A man is walking along the beach when he sees an old bottle. Opening it, he is stunned when a genie appears and says, ĎIíll grant you any three wishes you want."
The man says, "Okay, I want something thatíll bring me health, and I want a date with a movie star."
The man arrives home; there is a knock on the door. On the mat is a fifty-gallon drum of chicken soup. A second later, the phone rings. Itís Lassie.

Computers
There is an OLD story about the data center of the future.
This data center runs 24/7 with only a man and a dog.
The man's job is to feed the dog.
The dog's job is to make sure the man does not touch the computer.

What happened when they crossed a Pitbull with a computer?
Its bark was worse than its megabyte.

Cur
The salesman came through the gate toward an old man sitting on the porch when a large Olí Yeller Cur came growling and snarling from under the house.
"Hey, Olí timer," the salesman said, stopping in his tracks. "Is that dog safe?"
"Well," replied the old man, "Iíd say heís a dang sight safer than you are."

Husband to wife: "If I die, I want you to marry Michael OíLeary!"
Wife: "How come?"
Husband: "Because years ago, he sold me a no account cur dog!"

What do you call a 300-pound Rottweiler with a bad temper?
Sir!
What do you call a 70-pound Cur in a bad mood?
Your Honor!

Teacher: "What does "trickle" mean?"
First Student: "It means to run slowly."
Teacher: "Good. And what does anecdote mean?"
Second Student: "It's a short funny tail."
Teacher: "Well done! Now give me a sentence with both of these words in it."
Third Student: "Our cur dog trickled down the street wagging her anecdote."

First farmer: "I have a cur dog so terrible he scared every single coon off my farm."
Second farmer: "That's nothin'. My dog is so mean that the coons brought back the corn they stole last year!"

Why are Cur dogs so bad at math?
Theyíre always rounding things up.

In hog hunting, there are old dogs, there are bold dogs, but there are no old, bold dogs!

If you hear your cur dog in a scrap, run fast or something will be dead! Ė Old mountain saying

If you think your cur dog canít count, take out two treats and only give him one.

When is a yellow dog most likely to enter a house?
When the door is open.

John carries neatness too far. Who else files their spiked dog collars?

This city slicker goes to a small hillbilly town where he rents some dogs for hunting. He comes back to the general store asking for some more dogs. "What happened to the others?" the storekeeper asks.
"Oh, I shot those already."

One afternoon, I was in the backyard hanging the laundry when an old, tired- looking cur dog wandered into the yard.
I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when I walked into the house, he followed me, sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour.
This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with ten children - he's trying to catch up on his sleep."

Dachshund
The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dogfight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.
The Russians found the biggest and strongest Great Dane female dog in the world and bred it with the biggest, meanest Siberian male wolf. They selected the largest and most aggressive puppy from the litter, removed his siblings which gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the meanest, most humongous dog the world had ever seen.
Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the dogfight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.
When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of its cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite.
There was nothing left of the Russian dog at all.
The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the strongest Great Dane female dog in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolf."
"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."

Q: Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?
A: Someone told him to get a long, little doggie.

The Dachshund's a dog of German descent;
Whose tail never knew where his front end went.

"Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length that a child cannot do much harm one way or another." - Robert Benchley

A woman goes into a pet shop and asks for a dog to keep her company. The shopkeeper shows her a tiny dachshund.
The woman asks, "Arenít his legs too short?"
The shopkeeper says, "How can you say that? They all touch the ground at the same time."

Dalmatian
Two Dalmatians had just finished their lunch. One turns to the other and says. "Mm-mm-mm! That really hit the spots."

Ron: I spotted a Dalmatian today.
Don: Donít be silly. Theyíre naturally have spots.

Why arenít Dalmatians any good at hide-and-seek?
Because theyíre always spotted.

What do you get when you cross a Dalmatian and a fountain pen?
Ink Spots!

A Dalmatian went to a veterinarian because he thought he needed a checkup.
"Whatís wrong? Asked the veterinarian.
"Well, doctor," said the Dalmatian, "every time I look at my wife, I see spots before my eyes."
"Whatís wrong with that?" asked the veterinarian. "You are a Dalmatian.
"Whatís that got to do with anything?" asked the leopard. "My wifeís a Collie."

"Yesterday, I spilled a bottle of spot remover on my blue ribbon, Champion pedigreed Dalmatian."
"Is he all right?"
"I donít know. I canít find him. I can hear him, but I canít see him."

What do you get when you cross a Dalmatian and a dishwasher?
Spots on your dishes!

Q: Why did the Dalmatian need glasses?
A: He was seeing spots.

Difference between a cat and a dog...
A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods!
A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!

Doberman Pinscher
Sheís so ugly even a Doberman wonít pinch her.

Little Johnny was in the garden filling a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Johnny?"
"My hamster died," replied Johnny tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor said, "That's an awfully big hole for a hamster, isn't it Johnny?"
Johnny patted down the last heap of earth, and then replied, "That's because he's still inside your stupid Doberman."

Q. What looks good on a burglar?
A. A Doberman Pinscher.

Dog in Charge
Top Ten Ways You Know Your Dog Has You Under Her Thumb (if dogs had thumbs)
10) When someone does something that pleases you, you are inclined to reach in your pocket for a piece of food as a reward.
9) You have 32 different names for your dog. Most make no sense, but she understands.
8) You truly believe that DOG spelled backwards is GOD.
7) When you look to rent or buy a home, you think, "Will my dog like it?"
6) The last one to bed is always you. The dogs make it there first and you fight for your corner because they won't move.
5) You feel the urge to neuter or spay anyone that mistreats their dogs, or allows their dogs to run loose.
4) You hate people who beg, because they just can't get that innocent look like your dog.
3) You can't understand why heads snap around at work when you discuss your "bitch."
2) Your dog decides he doesn't like someone and you tend to agree.
1) You shovel a zigzag path in the snow so your dog can reach all her favorite spots.

Dogcatcher
This man was a dogcatcher in a real small town, but he lost his job one-day. He caught the dog.

How are dogcatchers paid?
By the pound.

"Hello Animal Control, I've lost my dog and ..."
"I'm sorry Madam.  But its after three P.M.  and we're closed"
"But you don't understand... this is a very intelligent dog.  He's almost human.  He can practically talk."
"Well. you'd better hang up, Madam.  He may be trying to call you right now."

Eating
A Chihuahua approached a Great Dane. "What makes you so tall?" the Chihuahua asked.
"The reason Iím so tall is that I rub grease on the top of my head everyday," answered the Great Dane.
The Chihuahua looked puzzled. "I tried that," he said. "But look at me. It didnít work at all."
"What kind of grease did you use?" ask the Dane.
"Crisco."
"Oh," replied the Dane. "No wonder that didnít work. Crisco is shortening."

Grouchy Feminist: "Give me two pounds of dog food right now!"
Salesclerk: "Certainly, Madam. Shall I wrap it up or will you eat it here?"

A Company is making a fortune with a new dog food. It tastes like a mailman.

The company JAU came up with a new dog food. The companyís executive vice-president is trying to get his salesmen excited about the product. "Which dog food is the result of ten years of research and development?"
"Ours," the salesmen yell.
"Which dog food has been tested in fifty markets?"
"Ours!"
"Which dog food has the highest nutritional value?"
"Ours!"
"So how come it isnít selling?"
One salesman says, "Because dogs hate it!"

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

A man tasted some of his dogís pet food and liked it.
The doctor told his wife that it would kill him. And it did.
After heíd eaten it for a week, he got to chasing cars and ran himself to death.

He was so poor that if somebody threw the family dog a bone, the dog had to signal for a fair catch.

"Iím afraid youíre going to have to diet," said the vet pointing to the overweight poodle.
"Okay," said the poodle owner. "What color?"

A minister was asked to dinner by one of his church members. He knew she was a bad housekeeper but agreed. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life. "Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.
She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them". He felt a bit uncomfortable, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes. When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, "Here Soap! Here Water!"

Bubba: "We have a new dog!"
Jim: "What's she like?"
Bubba: "Anything we feed her!"

A scientist taught his Rottweiler to go for food when he heard the bell. One day, the dog ate the door-to-door salesman.

My dog ate my homework
"Vernon, where's your homework?" Miss Martin said sternly to the little boy.
"My dog ate it," was his solemn response.
"Vernon, I've been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that story?"
"It's true, Miss Martin, I swear," insisted the boy. "I had to force him, but he ate it!"

Will: "My dog ate my reading book."
Bill: "What did you do about it?"
Will: "I took the words right out of his mouth!"

Due to the high cost of beef, the Orientals have came up with a new concept in eating; "wokking the dog".

A Rottweiler and a Rabbit enter a very elegant restaurant. After the Rabbit has studied the menu for a few minutes, the waiter comes by to take their order.
Water: "What will you have?"
Rabbit: "I think I will start with the spinach salad, then Iíll have your cabbage soup, the roasted carrots, some corn, a glass of milk and some vanilla ice cream for dessert."
Waiter: "And your friend the Rottweiler? What will he have?"
Rabbit: "Just bring him a glass of water."
Waiter: "Are you sure he isnít hungry?"
Rabbit: "Look, if the Rottweiler were hungry do you think Iíd be sitting at the same table with him?"

The newly married husband came home from the office to find his young wife in a flood of tears. "Darling, whatever is the matter?" he asks.
"Sweetheart," she sobs, "the most terrible thing happened! I cooked my very first Beef Bourguignon for you, and I got it out the oven to season it, and the phone rang. When I came back from answering the phone," she sobbed again "I found that the dog had eaten it!"
"Don't worry, darling," said her husband. "Don't cry. We can always get you a new dog."

I know Iím a lousy cook but I didnít realized how bad until the other night when I caught the dog calling Chicken Delight.

Fleas
Mama flea looked worried.
When Papa flea asked her what was the matter, she replied "Daddy, none of our children are going to the dogs.

Then there was the dog that went to the flea circus and stole the show...

Two fleas came out of a movie theater. They saw it was raining outside, so one flea says to the other, "Do you want to walk, or should we take a dog?"

Dog: "Where do fleas go in winter?"
Cat: "Search me!"

What kind of market does a dog hate?
A flea market.

"I want you to keep that dog out of the house.  It's full of fleas."
"Rex, stay out of the house.  It's full of fleas."

Q: How do you start a flea race?
 A: One, two flea, go!

German Shepherd Dog
The way I see it, when a German Shepherd Dog licks your face, heís not being friendly. Heís just basting you.

You Have Reached Spot's Stomach. No One Is Available... -- MOMBASSA, Kenya
- Kamal Shah lost his mobile phone. Most people would search their homes, cars or workplaces. In fact, Shah thought he had left it on his bedside table and presumed his son had taken it. However, the phone turned up in the unlikeliest spot. When he called the mobile number from his regular line, his dog's stomach started ringing. The event was so unexpected Shah commented, "It sent me into shock." The German Shepherd named Snoopy had swallowed it. During an operation, the phone was removed.

A scientist taught his German Shepherd Dog to go for food when he heard a bell. One day the dog ate a door-to-door salesman.

"Is it true that you took your blind Uncle Charlie skydiving, and he loved it?"
"Yep. He said it was the funniest thing he had ever done."
"Do you plan to take him again?"
"No chance."
"But if he enjoyed it, why not?"
"Have you ever heard a German Shepherd Dog scream at 20,000 feet.

Whatís pink and soft and found between a German Shepherdís teeth?
Slow runners!

Three candidates arrive at a house where on the gate is a large
"BEWARE OF THE DOG".
The Democrat candidate says: "you wait here, my party is friendly to animals." as he opens the gate and walks up the path.
No sooner has the Democrat rang the door when around the corner comes a huge German Shepherd Dog which duly chases the candidate over the fence leaving the Dog only a piece of trousers as a memento.
The Republican says: "You've got to be firm with animals, and holding his Umbrella ready to fend off an attack walks calmly toward the door. But alas, the German Shepherd Dog is having none of it and just like the other candidate, the Republican is left umbrella-less, with a torn suit and damaged pride.
The Independent candidate, says to the others, "you're going about this the wrong way, itís all to do with presentation! Hand me your pen!", he writes on his hand, jumps over the gate and as the dog rushes toward him he thrusts his hand into its mouth.
The two other candidates watch horrified as the animal starts to bite the hand, but suddenly the German Shepherd yelps, spits out the hand and runs away.
The Democrat and Republican wait in bewilderment for the Independent candidate to finish talking at the door, and as he opens the gate they both ask: "How did you do that?". The Independent candidate shows them his hand:
"NO NEW TAXESí, Not even a German Shepherd would swallow that!"

What do you call a dog with the flu?
A germy shepherd

Why donít German Shepherds eat clowns?
They taste funny!

God & Dog...
On the first day of creation, God created the dog.
On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.
On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth (especially the horse) to serve as potential food for the dog.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the dog.
On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the man broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he doted on. The dog finally died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying "Father, the dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick told the farmer "No, we can't have services for an animal in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a new denomination down the road apiece, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right now. By the way, do you think $1,000 is enough to donate for the service?"
Father Patrick replied "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?"

Greyhound
This is true
Short-Sighted Greyhound Makes Eye Contact With Success -- Manchester, England
- With a blink of an eye, a shortsighted greyhound is now winning races after being fitted with contact lenses. The dog had been diagnosed as being blind as a bat by leading British animal eye specialist, Pip Boydell, at the Animal Medical Referral Centre in Manchester. According to Boydell, "The greyhound was severely short-sighted and always came second because it followed the dog in front." Now with these special contact lenses, the dog can see the hare and has begun to win. "The dog loved running and didn't suffer at all," Boydell concluded.

I bet on a good dog in the greyhound races today. It took eleven other dogs to beat him.

When is a black dog not a black dog?
When heís a greyhound.

A man with a greyhound in his car stopped at a gas station to get gas. While he was talking to the attendant, the tank overflowed and left a puddle. The dog jumped out of the car, lapped up the gas and took off. The station attendant and the man raced after the dog and found him lying in the street.
"Is he dead?" the attendant asked.
"No, heís just out of gas." The man replied.

I never realized that a dog is manís best friend until I started betting the horses.

Holidays

Who brings dogs their Christmas gifts?
Sandy Claws

What do you get when you cross a Pointer and a Setter?
A Poinsetter; a traditional Christmas pet

 

 

 

Hot Dogs
An Italian tourist is visiting London for the first time in his life and speaks no English. After looking at monuments around town he gets lost. It is midday and he is getting hungry. He takes out his dictionary and starts looking at shops to find a restaurant. Chemist = farmacia, No! News agent = Giornalaio. No! Real Estate = Immobiliare. No! ...and so on until he sees a shop with the sign 'HOT DOGS'. He looks at the translation and thinks, "They eat dogs, how disgusting!" After looking around some more, he cannot find another restaurant and thinks: "I'm hungry. If they can eat dogs, so can I." Thus, he goes in, takes out his dictionary and with apprehension orders a hot dog. When the waitress brings him the hot dog, he looks at it for a moment and says, "Please, I will eat any part of the dog...except THAT ONE!"

Q: What kind of a dog would a person bite?
A: A hot dog!

Nicole: "My dog has a fever."
Jean: "What did you do about it?"
Nicole: "I rubbed him with mustard."
Jean: "Mustard? Why mustard?
Nicole: "I always put mustard on my hot dog."

Hound
"She's prettier than a speckled pup with blue eyes."

I had a coonhound once that was so well trained that all I had to do was show it a certain size fur stretching board and that hound would go out and tree a coon the exact size of that board.
Well, one day my wife happened to set the ironing board out on the porch to clean it and I ain't seen that hound since!

If thine enemy offends thee, buy his children crayons, drums, and a walker puppy.

Old Ben Carter went hunting with his friend Jim Frazier. Jim was surprised to see Ben come out with his two dogs and a monkey. "Whatís the monkey for?" asked Jim
"I saw Jake McConkley hunt with him, and heís good. He gets right into the tree where the dogs have the quarry cornered and shoots him close range. He hates raccoons. I paid a fortune for him."
The two men take off. About an hour later, the dogs take a trail. When the men catch up, they see the dogs are barking up a storm at an old oak tree. No doubt thereís a coon up there.
Ben hands the gun to the monkey, who take off and is up the tree in a trice. A minute later the monkey comes back down. Without any hesitation, he aims the gun and shoots the dogs dead.
"What did he do that for?"
Ben says, "There was nothing up that tree. If thereís one thing he hates worse than a coon, itís liars."

Then there was this neurotic Bloodhound.  He thought that people were following him.

A hunter got a dog with the agreement that if he was satisfied after hunting him for a week he'd buy him. At the end of the week he took him back to the owner and complained. "He works well enough," said the hunter, "but he won't hold his head up, and I think there must be something wrong with him."
"Don't worry about his not holding his head," explained the owner, "it's just his pride -- he'll hold his head up when he's been paid for!"

What is the houndís favorite hotel?
The Howladay Inn!

An American went on his first fox hunt in "Jolly ol" England. When it was over, his host takes aside and says. "Look, when we first see the fox, we say ĎTallyho,í not ĎThere goes the dirty, little son of a b####."

Ron: I can pick up a quarter with my toes.
Don: Big deal! My dog can pick up a scent with his nose!

Why is the nose in the middle of a houndís face?
Because itís the scenter!

Whatís the only thing louder than a hound baying?
A whole pack of hounds.

What breed of dog does Dracula own?
A Bloodhound!

What do you call an over weight dog?
A round hound.

Husband to wife: "Your momma's starting to look like my hound Blue!"
Wife: "Shhh! Donít you care what you say could hurt someoneís feelings?"
Husband: "Donít worry about that. Blue is down at the barn."

What did a dogís right eye say to his left eye?
Just between us, something smells.

Labrador Retriever
Supposedly, this story comes from a true police report of a duck hunting experience gone wrong in Michigan. All this is absolutely true!
A guy buys a brand new Jeep Grand Cherokee for $40,000 and has $800 monthly payments. He and a friend go duck hunting, and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two guys go to the lake with the guns, the dog, the beer and of course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready to duck hunt.
Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it is going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill. So, out of the back of the new Grand Cherokee comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse.
Now these two "rocket scientists" do take into consideration placing the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (along with the new Grand Cherokee), because they don't want to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast. They decide to light this 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite.
Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the beer, the guns and the dog? Let's talk about the dog: a highly trained black lab used for retrieving. Especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice.
The two men yell, scream, wave arms and wonder what to do now. The dog, cheered on, keeps coming. One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 duck shot, hardly big enough to stop a black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, but continues on. Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinking these two "Nobel Prize winners" have gone insane.
The dog takes off to find cover, (with the now really short fuse burning on the stick of dynamite) . . . under the brand new Cherokee.
----BOOM!----
Dog and Cherokee are blown to bits and sink to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two idiots standing there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces. The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered. He still had yet to make the first of those $800 a month payments!! And you thought your day was not going well?

What do you get if you cross a black hunting dog with a telephone?
A Labrador receiver.

Now Here's A Real Lucky Dog.
EASTBOURNE, Great Britain - Who says only cats have nine lives? Obviously not Henry, a retriever that fell 140 feet off the Seven Sisters cliffs in Eastbourne, Great Britain. The playful pooch went over the edge of the cliff while chasing a seagull. Owner Louise Chavannes obviously feared the worst as she ran down hundreds of steps and along half a mile of beach to reach him. "I couldn't bear the thought of his body floating in the sea and I was convinced he was dead. But when I got to the point where he had jumped I saw his body moving and he was swimming to the shore. I just could not believe it," Chavannes gushed. Henry suffered a broken leg in the fall and had to have a metal plate and artificial tendons in his front right leg.

A duck was swimming in the lake and a dog was sitting on its tail. How could this be?
The dog was on the shore sitting on its own tail.

Farmer Jones was the most negative man in the world. Farmer Smith was his next door neighbor and a very happy fellow.
"Ain't it a beautiful day?" Farmer Smith would smile
"Huh! " replied Farmer Jones "If it don't rain soon the corns going to burn"
Next day: "Ain't' it nice it's raining?" asked Farmer Smith
"Huh! If it don't stop soon the corn's going to drown" replied Farmer Jones.
One thing the two had in common was their love of duck hunting. They would compete vigoursly every season and took pride in their hunting dogs. Yes, every year Farmer Jones proved to be the best man with the best dogs.
Then, one year, Farmer Smith got the best hunting dog he had ever come across.
"Just wait until Farmer Jones sees this-he's has say something positive"
And so they went duck hunting. As luck would have it, a flock of ducks flew overhead, Farmer Smith took a shot and a duck dropped right in the middle of the pond.
"Watch this." he grinned at Farmer Jones. "Dawg-go get that duck" he ordered his new dog.
The dog ran nimbly to the edge of the pond, and without breaking stride, walked on top of the water, picked the duck up, walked back to shore and deposited the duck at Farmer Smith's feet, with not a feather out of place.
"Well" smiled Farmer Smith "What do you think of my new dog?
"Huh!" answered Farmer Jones "dumb dog can't even swim."

The insurance salesman was trying to persuade a housewife to take out a life insurance policy. "Now supposing your husband were to die," he said, "what would you get?"
"Oh, a Labrador, I think." replied the housewife. "They're always good company!"

Mike selling dog: Did you like the story about the dog that ran two miles to retrieve a stick?
Ike, not buying dog or story: No! I thought it was too far fetched.

Why did the dog jump into the river?
He wanted to chase the catfish!

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure", she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a pair of Labrador Retrievers. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dogs stood on their hind legs, put their front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. They then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook their heads. The vet patted the dogs, took them out of the room and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!".
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But what with the Lab Reports and the Cat Scan, it all adds up!!

Did you hear about the little yellow dog that died at the party?
He Odied!

Mastiff
Why do Mastiffs lie on their back with their feet in the air?
So they can trip birds!

How do you know thereís a Mastiff under your bed?
Your nose touches the ceiling!

Why did the Mastiff paint his toenails red?
So he could hide in the cherry tree!
Have you ever seen a Mastiff in a cherry tree?
It works, doesnít it!

Why are Mastiffs so wrinkly?
Theyíre too big to fit on the ironing board.

Whatís as big as a Mastiff and doesnít weigh anything?
His shadow!

What do you call a Mastiff in a Volkswagen?
Stuck!

What do you call a Mastiff on the run?
An earthquake!

A policeman noticed an old man and a Mastiff walking along the sidewalk. They walk for ten feet and stop, then walk another ten feet and stop, and so on... The policeman asked the old man, "Whatís the matter old timer, out of breath?"
"No son, but my dog is a little hard of hearing. Heís afraid Iíll say "sit" and he wonít hear me, so he keeps stopping to listen."

What do you call a Mastiff on a bike?
Wheelie dangerous!

Where do you find a lost Mastiff?
Where you left it!

You donít need good manners if youíre a two hundred-pound dog.

A Mastiffís affection increases in direct proportion to how muddy or wet it is.

I took my Mastiff to obedience school. I learned how to fetch two hours before he did.

What is the best way to raise a Mastiff?
With a crane.

We just got a Mastiff.  I think the house will be broken before he is.

Names
Farmer Jones was looking at Bubba trying to figure out his breed.  Finally he just had to ask, "What breed of dog are you Bubba?"
Well my father father was a German Shepherd Dog and he married a Rough Collie.  My mothers was a Canadan Cur."
"So, You're a Mutt, right? asked Farmer Jones.
Bubba answered, "Actually, I prefer to be called 'A Dog of Diversity".

Nice Dog. Whatís his name?" I asked my friendís 10-year old son.
"Bob," he said.
"And your cat?"
"Bob."
"How do you keep them straight?"
"Well one is Bob Cat and the other id Bob Barker," the boy answered.
"Tell him your rabbitís name," his father suggested.
The kid smiled and said, "Dennis Hopper." - Mike Harrelson

Johnny: "If I say, "Here Rover, here boy," would your dog come to me?
Ann: "No, he wouldn't."
Johnny: "Why not?"
Ann: "Because his name is Fred!"

I call my dog Camera because he's always snapping.

"Why do you call your dog Mechanic?"
"Because every time I throw something at him, he makes a bolt for the door!"

Two dogs met and one asked the other, "What's your name?"
The other dog said, "I'm not sure but I think it's 'Down Boy."

I call my dog Handy because he's always doing odd jobs around the house.

I call my dog Seiko because he's a watch dog.

"What's your dog's name?"
"I don't know. He won't tell me."

Q: What did the man say when his dog ran away?
A: Dog gone!

What are the names of your puppies?
Skippy and Rover.
Which one is Rover?
The one next to Skippy.

Why do you call your dog "Fried Egg?"
Because he rolls over easy.

Which dogs make the best ambassadors?
Diplomutts.

What do you call a dog that woke up too early?
A groggy doggy!

What do you get when you cross a dog and a journalist?
A rover reporting!

What do you call a dog that helps you carry hot things?
An oven mutt!

What do you get when you cross Lassie and a petunia?
A collie flower!

A Pekinese married a Tomcat. Now they have a Peking Tom

What would you get if you crossed a beagle with a giraffe?
A dog that barks at airplanes.

What do you get when you cross a dog and a duck?
A duckshund.

What do you get when you cross a dog and a cat?
A pet that chases itself.

What do you get when you cross a dog and a toad?
A Croaker Spaniel.

What do you get when you cross a Collie and a Lhasa Apso?
A Collapso; a dog that folds for easy transportation.

What is the caterpillar's worst enemy?
A Dogerpiller.

What do you call a dog that likes to fight?
A Boxer.

What do you call a dog that just arrived from "the Big Apple"?
A New Yorkie.

What do you call a hungry dog?
A Chow hound.

What do you call a dog that weighs 500 pounds, has razor sharp teeth and an attitude problem?
Donít call him anything. Run!

Teacher: "Shirley, what is the Dog Star?"
Shirley: "Rin Tin Tin!"

What dog bakes cakes?
Betty Cocker.

Newspaper
Deciding to drive cross country to all the major competitions with his prize-winning cowdog, the wealthy dog trainer stopped in a small town for gas and a soft drink. When he came out of the country store, he found that his dog had somehow undone the latch of the cage and bolted through the open door.
After an hour of frantic searching, the man went to the office of the local newspaper. "I'd like to speak with the publisher," He said urgently to the man behind the counter.
"I'm the publisher, what can I do for you?"
The man explained what had happened, then said he wanted to take out an ad.
"Afraid you're out of luck," the publisher said. "This weeks edition goes to press in just five minutes."
"Look," said the dog trainer, "this is a pedigreed, champion cowdog, and I'm offering a big reward for it's safe return!"
Stroking his grizzled chin, the publisher said, "Well...if it's that important, you go ahead and write out the ad while I hold the presses."
The man wrote "Lost, champion cowdog, bobtailed, yellow Black Mouth Cur. $10,000 reward for itís safe return. Contact Bob at 888-555-1212", paid for the ad, gave the man the form with the advertisement, and then went to a motel to take a room. An hour later, he went back to the newspaper office to pick up a copy of the paper. Not only weren't the presses running but the publisher and his entire staff were gone. Only a secretary remained.
"Where is everyone?" the man yelled. "I thought the presses were ready to roll."
"Oh, they were." said the woman. "But then the nuttiest thing happened: everyone just ran out to look for someone's lost dog."

A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, "We've got such a clever dog. He brings in the daily newspapers every morning."
Her husband replied, "Well, lots of dogs can do that."
The wife responded, "But we've never subscribed to any papers.

Two young boys are walking down the street. Out of an alley runs a rabid Doberman and attacks the second boy. Thinking quickly, the first boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.
A reporter from the St. Louis Post Dispatch gets wind of the story and requests an interview from the 1st boy. He runs the story on the front page and the headline reads: Rams Fan Bravely Saves Friend's Life From A Vicious Doberman.
The boy calls the reporter and says, "I'm not a Rams fan." The reporter says, "Well, I just thought that since you are from St. Louis that you would be a Rams fan. I'll correct the mistake in tomorrow's paper."
The next day the front page reads: Chiefs Fan Bravely Saves Friend's Life From Vicious Doberman. The boy calls the reporter and says, "I'm not a Chiefs fan either!" The reporter says, "Are you a fan of football at all?"
The boy says, "Yes. In fact, I am a die hard Cowboys fan."
The reporter agrees to note the change in the next day's newspaper.
The next day the front page reads: Red Neck Scoundrel Kills Beloved Family Pet!

I have a slow dog.
How can you tell?
He brought me yesterdayís newspaper.

Policewoman; "Your dog has been chasing the newspaper boy on a bicycle."
Dog Owner: "Thatís baloney. My dog doesnít know how to ride a bicycle."

The following were actually taken from classified ads in newspapers:
Free Yorkshire Terrier. 8 years old. Hateful little dog.
Free puppies: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel 1/2 stupid dog.
German Shepherd 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free.
For Sale: Purebred Great Dane. Eats Anything. Fond of children.
Found: Dirty Little White Dog, Looks Like A Rat. Been Out A While.  Better Be A Big Reward
Free Farm Puppies. Mother, Purebred Border Collie. Father, Sneaky Neighborhood Dog.
Free Farm Puppies. Ready To Eat.
Lost: Three-legged dog, tail broken, blind in right eye. Left ear missing. Recently neutered. Answers to the name "Lucky." Reward. Call 555-1212.
Thoroughbred Mastiff puppies.  $1200. Will be BIG. (Talk about dogs as big as a horse.)

"I've lost my dog!"
 "Well, put an ad in the newspaper."
"Don't be silly, my dog can't read."

The ad in the local newspaper read: "Purebred Police Dog $25."
Thinking that to be a great bargain, Mrs. Freeman ordered the dog to be delivered.
The next day a van pulled up and left her the mangiest-looking mongrel she had ever seen.
In a rage, she telephoned the man who had placed the ad. "What do you mean by calling that mangy-mutt a purebred police dog?"
"Don't be deceived by his looks, Madam," he replied. "He's in the Secret Service."

Pet Store
A man returns to a pet store and complained, "The beagle you sold me is no good. You told me he would be good for rabbits, itís been two weeks and he hasnít run one yet."
The clerk said, "Isnít that good for rabbits?"

Sign in pet store, "Must move Ė Lost our leash!"

A dad goes into a pet store and asks if he can return the puppy he got for his son.
The owner replied, "I'm sorry, sir, but weíve already sold your son to someone else."

Boy: "How much are the puppies in the window?"
Store Clerk: "Five hundred dollars a piece"
Boy: "Wow! How much for a whole one?"

Girl: "I want some booties for my poodle's birthday."
Store Clerk: "You'll have to bring her in to try some on?"
Girl: "I can't do that! I want them to be a surprise!"

Customer: "Are you sure this dog is loyal?"
Pet store clerk: "Sure. Iíve sold him five times this month."

Pointer
A sportsman went to a hunting lodge and bagged a record number of birds, aided by a pointer named Salesman. Next year he returned and asked for Salesman again.
"That dog ain't no durn good now!" the handler said.
"What happened?" cried the sportsman "Was he injured?"
"No, some durn fool came down here and called him 'Sales Manager' all week instead of Salesman. Now all he does is sit on his tail and bark."

Orville: "I have a bird dog named Ball Point."
Wilbur: "Ball Point? That's a funny name for a bird dog.
Orville: "That's his pen name."

In a school for hunting dogs. A man is watching a demonstration. The hunting dog heís interested in buying is being put through its paces. It runs into a clump of bushes and returns and wags its tail once.
The trainer explains, "Thereís one bird in that clump." Sure enough, a bird flies up and out of the bush.
The trainer points to a second clump. The dog returns and wags its tail twice. Sure enough, two birds fly out.
After two more clumps, the dog returns from the fifth bush with a stick, which he shakes and drops at his trainerís feet.
The customer asks, "What does that mean?"
"It means that clump has more birds than you can shake a stick at."

Joe owned one of the finest bird dogs ever seen. It had won many trophies over the years. One day, Joe got a call from a friend named Bob, who asked if he could borrow the dog to go pheasant hunting on Saturday.
Well, Joe told him that he never loaned his dog to hunt, and asked Bob if he had ever hunted with a dog.
Bob said "Oh sure, I grew up hunting with a dog."
"Well then, you're a pretty good friend, I guess you can use him", Joe agreed.
Saturday, Bob showed up, and Joe brought out his champion dog and loaded him in the truck. "Good luck", Joe said, "I hope you brought plenty of shells, see you later."
That evening, Bob came back to Joe's, and Joe came out to meet them. "Well, how many did you get?", Joe asked.
"We didn't get any" Bob shouted.
"That's unbelievable" Joe exclaimed.
Bob said, "Yea, it was the funniest thing, we got there, I loaded my gun, I let out your dog and we started hunting. All of a sudden, your dog stopped. He had his head pointing straight forward, his ears were straight down, his back was straight as an arrow, his tail was pointing straight back, his one paw was lifted up off the ground, and he just stood there. Couple quick kicks in his backside broke him of that mess".

How was your hunting trip?
That bird dog you loaned me ruined the whole trip.
What? Thatís impossible. That dog loves to hunt.
Oh Yeah? He knocked over my shotgun and blew a hole in the back of my new pickup truck.
Well, I said he loved to hunt. I didnít say he was a good shot.

Jack: Is your dog a pointer?
Mack: No, heís a disappointer

What kind of dog flies?
A bird-dog!

"You say ĎOlí Howlerí was the best hunting dog you ever saw?"
"No doubt about it. Once, Howler and me was quail huntingí, and Howler burrowed in to this big olí brush pile, and out came a quail, and I got it. Pretty soon out come another quail, and I got it; then out come another quail, and I got it; then out come another quail, and I got itÖ"
"Wait a minute. Iíve never known quail to take off one at a time. I thought they all took off at once."
"So did I, so after Iíd got my limit, I dug into that brush pile to see what was going on. Olí Howler had trapped them quail in a rabbit hole and covered Ďem with his paws. He was letting Ďem out one at a time to make it easier to shoot."

Police
The police department, famous for its superior canine (K-9) unit, was somewhat taken back by a recent incident.
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burgled. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels and a K9 unit patrolling nearby was the first on the scene.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash the blonde ran out onto the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned, 'I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send a blind policeman!'

What do you call a police dog?
A copper spaniel!

It was the end of the day when a cop parked his police van in front of the station. As he gathered his equipment, his K-9 partner was barking and he saw a little boy staring in at him.
"Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.
"It sure is," he replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at him and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

What happened to the man who stole your dog?
He was charged with pet-ty theft.

The sheriff of a small town was also the town's veterinarian. One night the phone rang, and his wife answered. An agitated voice inquired, "Is your husband there?"
"Do you require his services as a sheriff or as a vet?" the wife asked.
"Both!" was the reply. "We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it."

During a countywide drive to round up all unlicensed dogs, a patrolman signals a car to pull over to the curb. When the driver asks why he has been stopped, the officer points to the big dog sitting on the seat beside him. "Does your dog have a license?" he asked.
"Oh, no," the man said, "Heís not old enough and I always do the driving."

Q: What kind of dog hands out tickets?
A: A police dog!

Tim: "My dog tried to arrest me for crossing the street against the light."
Kim:  "You mean he tried to stop you from crossing the street."
Tim:  "No, he tried to arrest me.  He's a police dog."

Poodle
Liver and Cheese
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words "liver" and "cheese" together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says "I love liver and cheese."
"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever." She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever.
"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.
"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"
The last of the three, tiny in stature, but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says, "Liver alone. Cheese mine."

Psychiatrists
Why are there so few psychiatrists for dogs?
Because theyíre always saying, "Get off the couch!"

Have you made any progress since you first came to me and told me you kept thinking you were a dog?
A little, Iíve stopped chasing cars.

Doctor: "And what is your difficulty?"
Patient: "I just feel like a dog."
Doctor: How long have you felt this way?"
Patient: "Since I was a puppy."

Patient: "I went to a psychologist for six months. I thought I was a dog."
Friend: "Well, are you okay now?"
 Patient: "I sure am. Here feel my nose."

Puppy
"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."

How To Photograph A New Puppy...
** Remove film from box and load camera
** Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash
** Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle
** Choose a suitable background for photo
** Mount camera on tripod and focus
** Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth
** Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera
** Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees
** Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand
** Get tissue and clean nose print from lens
** Take flash cube from puppy's mouth and throw in trash
** Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose
** Put magazines back on coffee table
** Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head
** Replace your glasses and check camera for damage
** Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No, outside! No, outside!"
** Call spouse to clean up mess
** Fix a drink
** Sit back in Lazy Boy with drink and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning

We got a dog from the pound. We figured if we couldnít have one naturally, adoption was in order.

What has two eyes like a dog, four legs like a dog, looks like dog, but is not a dog?
A puppy.

Litter of Puppies
A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of puppies.
On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother that there were two boy puppies and two girl puppies.
"How did you know?" his mother inquired.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

Q: Why is a lazy dog like a hill?
A: Because it's a slow pup (slope up).

Which dogs are the quietest?
Hush Puppies.

What is a puppy after sheís five months old?
Six months old.

What do dogs have that no other animal have?
Puppies!

PUPPY LOVE by: Joseph J. Mazzella
My dogs are some of my greatest teachers when it comes to love. When I get home I can always expect to hear them barking joyously and bouncing back and forth happily. They are always delighted to see me no matter what mood Iím in. They are always ready to be touched, hugged, and petted on. My littlest one takes great pleasure in jumping on my lap and licking me on the chin. Everyday and in every way my dogs show me a love that is both joyful and unconditional.
We all should take a lesson or two from our puppy professors. We all should see that it is far more joyful to love unconditionally than it is to place limits on our love. The great Leo Buscaglia once said that, when you cease placing conditions on your love you have taken a giant step toward learning to love. I would also say that when you cease placing conditions on your joy and happiness you have taken a giant step toward learning to be joyous and happy. Dogs seen to know this instinctively. They donít wait for conditions to be right before they wag their tails and give you their love. They donít wait for good news to play and have fun. They donít wait for the perfect moment to be happy. They instead revel in each and every moment that they are given.
Donít be afraid to take a dogís advice then. Donít be afraid to enjoy a sunny day or play in the grass. Donít be afraid to forgive easily and completely. Donít be afraid to find joy and happiness in the present moment. Donít be afraid to give love expecting nothing in return.
I think that the reason so many of us love dogs is the same reason that God gave us dogs in the first place: they show us how to love and how to live. May all of us live as joyfully and as lovingly as a playful puppy.

Mrs. Brown was very upset with little Jimmy, saying, "This composition about a puppy is exactly like your brotherís."
Jimmy said, "Of course! Itís the same puppy!"

Rabbit
One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine weather. The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox sneaked up behind her and caught her.
"I am going to eat you for lunch!", said the fox.
"Wait!", replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few days."
"Oh yeah? Why should I wait?"
"Well, I am just finishing my thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"
"Are you crazy? I should eat you right now! Everybody knows that a fox will always win over a rabbit."
"Not really, not according to my research. If you like, you can come into my hole and read it for yourself. If you are not convinced, you can go ahead and have me for lunch."
"You really are crazy!" But since the fox was curious and had nothing to lose, it went with the rabbit. The fox never came out. A few days later the rabbit was again taking a break from writing and sure enough, a wolf came out of the bushes and was ready to set upon her.
"Wait!" yelled the rabbit, "you can't eat me right now."
"And why might that be, my furry, little appetizer?"
"I am almost finished writing my thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"
The wolf laughed so hard that it almost lost its grip on the rabbit. "Maybe I shouldn't eat you. You really are sick . . . in the head. You might have something contagious."
"Come and read it for yourself. You can eat me afterward if you disagree with my conclusions."
So the wolf went down into the rabbit's hole . . . and never came out. The rabbit finished her thesis and was out celebrating in the local lettuce patch. Another rabbit came along and asked, "What's up? You seem very happy."
"Yup, I just finished my thesis."
"Congratulations. What's it about?"
"'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"
"Are you sure? That doesn't sound right."
"Oh yes. Come and read it for yourself."
So together they went down into the rabbit's hole. As they entered, the friend saw the typical graduate student abode, albeit a rather messy one after writing a thesis. The computer with the controversial work was in one corner. To the right there was a pile of fox bones, to the left a pile of wolf bones. And in the middle was a large, well-fed lion.
The moral of the story:
The title of your thesis doesn't matter.
The subject doesn't matter.
The research doesn't matter.
All that matters is who your advisor is.

"I hear the rabbit hunting was good last season."
"It sure was. I ate so much rabbit meat that every time I heard a dog bark, I ran under a brush pile."

Years ago while lying in my hammock and drinking JD from the bottle I noticed my dog dragging something under the fence.
Upon inspection, to my dismay, I realized it was the next door neighbor's 10 year old daughter's rabbit.
For years I had watch her come home from school and head straight out to its cage, free it and play with it in the yard. I knew today would be no different and fearing for our dog, I had to think fast.
The rabbit was quite dirty, as if it had put up quite a struggle, so I washed it off with the hose, combed it with the dog brush and blew it dry with the leaf blower.
After finishing it's grooming, I hopped the fence and replaced it back in its cage and hoped its death would be written off as "natural causes". Back to the hammock and my JD.
Within the hour the neighbor's Volvo pulled in as usual and out popped the little girl, and as usual she headed straight for the cage. Only this time she stopped about six feet away and screamed: "DDDAAAADDDDDDDYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Her father, panic stricken, stood looking at the cage. Being the good neighbor that I am I rushed to fence and asked if there was anything I could do.
Her father less than calmly blurted, "What kind of sick individual would dig up a little girl's dead rabbit and put it back in it's cage?"

If rabbits were smart, they wouldnít run from dogs. Theyíd just stop for forty seconds and outnumber them.

Rottweiler
In my neighborhood, one guy had a tattoo of a Rottweiler on his arm and it bit him.

What is the safest way to talk to an angry Rottweiler?
By long distance telephone.

What do you give a very sick Rottweiler?
Plenty of room.

How do you pet a very angry Rottweiler?
Very, very carefully.

Q: What's the difference between a social worker and a Rottweiler?
A: The Rottweiler eventually gives the child back

One man visits a Rabbi and asks him to circumcise his dog.
-In no case, answers the Rabbi exasperatedly. -Such a blasphemy!
The man explains he'll pay ten thousand dollars cash. The Rabbi hesitates and asks:
-Oh, and what sort of dog is it?
-Rottweiler, answers the man.
-Rottweiler, Rottweiler, the Rabbi thinks aloud. -This is a nice Jewish name, isn't it?

If a Rottweiler came charging right at you, what steps would you take?
Very long ones!

Bob: What do you do if a Rottweiler attacks you?
Elysa: I donít know. What do you do?
Bob: Use the buddy system.
Elysa: The buddy system?
Bob: Certainly! When a Rottweiler attacks, throw him your buddy.

What time is it when a Rottweiler swallows your watch?
Time to get a new watch.

Rottweiler: Whatís the difference between a Pitbull?
Poodle: Between a Pitbull and what?
Rottweiler: I ain't giving any hints.

Teacher: What is your favorite breed of dog?
Laura: The Rottweiler!
Teacher: Great! Please spell it.
Laura: Iíve changed my mind. My favorite dog breed is the Pug.

Teacher: How do you spell Rottweiler?
Laura: R-O-T-W-E-L-L-E-R!
Teacher: Iím sorry, but thatís not correct.
Laura: But you asked me how I spell it.

Teacher: How do you spell Rottweiler?
Laura: R-O-W-E-I-L-E-R!
Teacher: What happened to the Tís?
Laura: I guess a golfer took them.

Gretchen: Donít be afraid of my Rottweiler, Fritz. Heíll eat off your hand.
Hans: Thatís what Iím afraid of.

Where does a Rottweiler plug in his computer?
Anywhere he wants to.

What would you get if you crossed a Rottweiler and a cow?
An animal too mean to milk!

What do you get if you cross a Rottweiler and a camera?
A Snapshot!

What would you do if a two hundred-pound Rottweiler sat in front of you at the movies?
Miss most of the movie.

What do you get when you cross a Rottweiler and an ice cream cone?
Frost bite!

Why did the Rottweiler marry the Labrador?
He found her very fetching.

When you see three Rottweilers all wearing black leather collars with spikes, what is the first thing you can tell?
Theyíre all on the same team!

Why donít many Rottweilers go to college?
Because not many graduate from high school!

What did the Rottweiler call his girl friend?
My fear lady!

How can you tell if a Rottweiler likes you?
Heíll take another bite!

Don: "Your wife seems to get along well with your pet Rottweiler. I guess thatís because no one would want to argue wit two hundred pounds of unstoppable fury."
Ron: "Hey, watch it! Thatís my sweetie youíre talking about."

A candidate is going from door to door giving out campaign literature. When he reaches a corner house and rings the doorbell, he is set on by a large Rottweiler. Discretion being the better part of valor, he starts to run, with the dog in pursuit. Opening the door, the lady of the house yells, "What are you running for?"
The candidate yells back, "Alderman, fourth district."

Sheepdogs
There was a blonde who was tired of all the blonde jokes and decided to dye her hair brown. She then went for a drive in the country and came upon a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.
She asked the shepherd, "If I guess how many sheep there are here, can I keep one?"
He replied "Sure!"
Out of the blue, she blurts out, "352!"
He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick out a sheep. She looks and searches and finally picks out the cutest one.
He looks at her and says, "If I guess what color your hair really is, can I have my dog back!"

Over the public address system came the following announcement: "Here is the results of today's sheepdog trials. All the sheepdogs have been found not guilty."

Short Tales
A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was exhibiting an extraordinary performance.
"This is a very smart dog," the man commented.
"He's not so smart," said one of the irked players. "Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."

Mother: "Billy, did you pull that dog's tail?"
Billy: "No Mom, I didn't pull her tail. I was standing on it and she pulled it herself."

A father promised to buy his son a puppy. So they went to the dog kennel to look over the ones for sale. When the father asked his son which puppy he'd like, he pointed to a pup that constantly barked and wagged his tail and said, "I want the one with the happy ending."

Q: When is a dog's tail like a farmer's cart?
A: When it's a-waggin'.

Q: If a dog lost his tail where could he get another one?
A: At the retail store!

A visitor to Gretchin's house mentioned at lunch how friendly her dog was.
"He's wagging his tail and sitting up all the time!" said the visitor, pleased.
"I'm not surprised," said Gretchin. "You're eating off his plate."

What follows a dog wherever he goes?
His tail, of course.

What did the dog say when his tail was caught in the door?
It wonít be long now!

Why does a dog wag his tail?
Because no one else will wag it for him!

Signs
In the front window, a local business placed the following sign: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A dog trotted into the office and up to the receptionist. After getting her attention, he pointed to the sign with his nose and looked at her. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program.
By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said "yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at the manager and said, "Meow!"

Sign on Ranch in Texas;
 "Trespassers will be prosecuted
To the fullest extent of one mean Rottweiler."

Sign on trailer in Louisiana.
"Beware of owner! Never mind the dog!"

Sign at a veterinarian's office;
"BACK IN 5 MINUTES, SIT, STAY!"

There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.
Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice.
He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy - Either way, you get your dog back!"

Sign on a fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

Sign on a door:
"My Chinese Crested may be small but he knows Kung Fu."

Bumper sticker in Montana
The keys to this truck are on the front seat.
Right next to my Black Mouth Cur.

In Mississippi
You can take my dog when you pry his chain from my cold, dead fingers.

On a veterinary clinic marquee, in Tulsa, Oklahoma;
"No littering. Have your pet spayed here."

Small Dogs
What do you call a dog kiss?
A pouch smooch.

What would you get if you crossed a chili pepper, a steam shovel and a Chihuahua?
A hot-diggity-dog!

A man walks into a bar and asks, "Does anyone in here own that big black dog outside?"
A huge biker stands up and says, "Yeah, I do! What about it?"
"Well, I think my Chihuahua just killed himÖ"
"What are you talking about?!" the biker says, disbelievingly. "How could your little runt kill my dog, Brutus? Heís one hundred and twenty pounds of pure muscle.
"Well, it seems he got stuck in your dogís throat!"

We finally found a house we could afford. Weíre negotiating. Right now a Chihuahua named FiFi owns it.

Even the tiniest poodle or Chihuahua is still a wolf at heart.
Dorothy Hinshaw Patent, Dogs: The Wolf Within
 

Even the tiniest poodle is lionhearted, ready to do anything to defend home, master, and mistress.
Louis Sabin, All About Dogs As Pets

I bought a lapdog last week, but every time I try to sit on his lap, he bites me.

Benjie met a bear.
The bear was bulgy.
The bulge was Benjie.

What do you get if you cross a Cocker Spaniel, a Poodle and a Rooster?
A Cockapoodledoo.

What dog loves to take baths?
A Shampoodle.

Haughty Lady: "Little girl, I'm looking for a very small brown dog with one eye."
Saucy Girl: "If he's very small dog, you better use both eyes!"

What do you have to be careful not to step on when itís raining cats and dogs?
A poodle!

What would you get if you crossed a mutt and a poodle?
A muddle.

What do you call a really happy feist?
A merrier terrier.

Joe: "Hey! Your dog just bit me on my ankle!"
Jane: "Well, heís too short to reach your knee!"

In the park a man sat down on a bench and started eating his hot dog and french fries. It wasnít long before a lady came along with a small dog that was very interested in what the man was eating.
The dog kept jumping on the man and yelping.
"Excuse me madam," said the man. Would you mind if I threw you dog a little bit?"
"Not at all." replied the lady.
So the man picked up her dog and threw it over the wall behind him.

A woman saw a man walking his Jag Terrier in the park. It was running back and forth all over the sidewalk, barking and tangling up the manís legs. The owner said, "Now, Jason, keep calm. Now, Jason, control yourself. Now, Jason, itís only for a little longer."
The woman was amazed and said, "Iím impressed by your patience with little Jason."
The man turned to her red faced and said, "Lady, Iím Jason."

Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice little doggie" until you find a large enough rock.

Paddy is in customs at Heathrow, when he notices a policeman in the full swat gear. You know; pistol on hip, machine-gun over the shoulder, nightstick down the leg, full body armor and a Yorkshire terrier at his feet!
Paddy laughing says to the Cop, "Is that there dog an attack dog, or is that there an attack dog?"
"No, Paddy, it's a bloody sniffer dog and the best there is at that! Watch him as the cases come through," says the Cop.
The dog jumps on a brown case, sniffs it, returns to the Cop, and then rubs its left ear against his right ankle.
"That's cannabis," says the Cop. Sure enough there's cannabis in the case!
The dog jumps on a pink case, sniffs it, returns, and rubs its right ear against his left ankle.
"That's cocaine," says the Cop. Sure enough, there's coke in the case!
Off the dog goes again, jumps onto a black case, somersaults through the air, hits the Cop in the face, slides down his chest and lands squarely between his ankles.
Amazed at the dogís gymnastics, Paddy asks, "What kind of drug is that then?"
"You thick head, Paddy," says the Cop, "that's not a drug; it's a bloody bomb!"

Song and Dance
A man walks into an agentís office with a small hairy dog. The agent asks, "Another trained dog?"
"Just another trained dog? Watch."
The man points to the piano against the wall. The dog rushes to it, jumps upon the piano stool, cracks his paws and starts to play.
After an incredibly sustained arpeggio, the dog starts to sing. Its voice is golden and rich.
The agent says, "Wow! What an act! Weíll make a fortune."
Suddenly, the door swings open. A larger dog runs in, grabs the smaller dog by the scruff of the neck and disappears.
"Whatís that?" the agent asks.
"Sheís the little dogís mother. She wants him to be a veterinarian."

When Joe was a little boy, he took fiddle lessons. One day while he was practicing, scraping dismally back and forth with his bow, His dog set a plaintive wailing and howling. Finally his sister, Joan, who was talking to a girl friend on the telephone, stuck her head into the room where her brother was practicing.
"For goodness sakes!" she complained. "Can't you play something the dog doesn't know?"

Store Clerk: "Yes, I have a singing dog and cat for sale."
Buyer: "Do they really sing?"
Store Clerk: "Well, to tell you the truth, the dog is a ventriloquist!"

Q: Why don't dog make good dancers?
A: Because they have two left feet!

How do dogs dance in the Wizard of Oz?
On their Tippy Totos.

During the gulf war, three men, An Englishman, A Scotsman and An Irishman are captures by enemy soldiers.
Their general says to them that he is feeling in a good mood and will set them free, but only if they sing a song that has a dog mentioned in the song.
The Englishman starts singing "You ain't nothing but a hound dog" as sung by Elvis Presley.
"Good" says the general, and the Englishman is set free...
The Scotsman starts singing "How much is that doggy in the window"
"Good" says the general, and the Scotsman is set free...
Then the Irishman starts singing "Strangers in the night..."
"Strangers in the night?" Asks the general "Where's the dog in that?"
"You didn't let me get that far" The Irishman says,
"It's in the chorus" And starts singing the chorus "Scooby dooby doo be dooby doo doo..."

Talking Dog
A mangy-lookin' guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says "No way. I don't think you can pay for it."
The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"
The bartender says "Only if what you show me ain't risquť."
"Deal!" says the guy, as he reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a Chihuahua. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down a barstool, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the keyboard and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the Chihuahua is really good.
The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That Chihuahua is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.
"Money or another miracle, else no drink," says the bartender.
The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch, a fine singer.
A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.
The guy says, "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the frog to the stranger, who runs out of the bar with it.
The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut?! You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy!"
"Not so," says the guy. "The Chihuahua is also a ventriloquist!"

"Does your dog have a pedigree?"
"Has she! If she could talk, she wouldnít speak to either one of us."

The scene: It's 1882 and a hot, dusty summers day in Dodge City. Suddenly at the edge of town, appears a 3-legged dog astride a large white horse. Women and children run in fear.
The 3-legged dog rides up to the saloon and goes inside. He walks to the bar and says "gimme a shot of red-eye".
Shaking and quivering the bartender pours a glass of whiskey. The 3-legged dog throws it back and says "gimme another".
Shaking and quivering, the bartender pours another. The 3-legged dog slams it down and turns to look at the crowd.
The Sheriff makes his way through the crowd and faces the 3-legged dog. "We don't get many 3-legged dogs around here, what's your business?"
The 3-legged pushes away from the bar and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my Paw".

Why do dogs growl at cats?
Because they donít know any dirty words.

A man wanted to adopt a dog.  So he checked his local paper to see what was available.  Listed was "Talking Dog needs good home" and  a street address.  So the man goes over to the house listed in the paper and knocks on the door.  Another man answers.  "Are you the person with the talking dog?" the first man asks. 

"Yes I am.  He's in the back yard if you want to see him." says the second.

So the first man goes to the backyard, where he finds a dog lying next to a dog house.  Feeling kind of silly the man asks the dog, "Are you really a talking dog?"  And to the man's amazement the dog answers "Why, yes I am."

Well the man can hardly believe his ears.  The man says "Wow your really a talking dog.  Why aren't you in the circus or show business?"

"Shish" says the dog.  "Not so loud.  You see, I used to be in the CIA"

"The CIA?"

"Yeah. The CIA.  You see I was a spy in Russia.   No one in Russia suspected a talking dog.  How do you think we found out about those Cuban Missiles?"

"Wow" says the man.

"Then I was sent to Israel.  Busted 100 terrorists planning to blow up an airplane"

"That's amazing!" said the man

"But of all the things I've done and seen it's the time I saved 200 kids in an orphanage from a volcano, that I remember best.  You see being a talking dog, I could tell the people about the approaching lava, and  saved all their lives."

" I can't believe I'm standing here, talking to a true American hero." Says the man.  And with that he goes back to the house and knocks on the door again.  And again, the second man answers.

"Well what do you think?" says the second man.

"He's amazing!  How much to you want for him?"

"How about 10 dollars." says the second man.

"10 dollars! Only 10 dollars for that dog.  Why so cheep?" says the first.

"Did he tell you about his time in the CIA?"

"He sure did!"

"And did he tell you about the terrorists?"

"Uh huh."

"What about the orphans?  Did he tell you about the volcano?"

"Yes he did.  That was such a touching story"

"Well...He's a liar.   He didn't do any of that stuff!"

I have a dog that talks in its sleep. One day a visitor was astonished to hear the dog bellow, "My name is Christopher Columbus! I am seven hundred years old! I own America! I married Marilyn Monroe!"
When the visitor asked what was going on, I replied, "Don't worry about it. It's best to just let sleeping dogs lie."

A ventriloquist walks into a bar with a small dog.  Putting the dog on the top of the bar, he asks for a scotch  and soda.
The dog says, "I'll have a ginger ale."
Another customer looks up, amazed.  "Does that dog talk?"
The dog says, "I certainly do!"
The customer says, "Wow!  I must have that dog.  Sell me that dog.  I'll pay you anything."
The ventriloquist say, "How about a thousand dollars?"
"Done!"  The customer whips out his bankroll and manages to come up with the money.  The ventriloquist pushes the dog over toward him.
The dog says, "Just for that, I'll never say another word for the rest of my life!

"Whatís better than a talking dog?
A spelling bee!

In a totally empty restaurant a Rottweiler comes in, walks up to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender thinks, "hmmm, maybe I can make my day with that dog". He gives the dog his ordered beer and says to the dog: "20 bugs please". The dog is giving him the 20 dollars and orders another beer, the bar tender says: "that's 20 bugs again boy".
It went on that way until the dog drank 5 beers. The bartender now wants to make a little chat with the strange dog and says: "It's not very usual that a dog comes in here to get a couple of beers".
"No" the Rottweiler says "What do you think when you charge 20 dollars for a beer".

A young boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him.
"Hmmmm," he wonders, "How am I going to get more dough?"
Then he gets an idea. He calls his father. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!"
"That's absolutely amazing!" His father says. "How do I get him in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course."
So, his father sends the dog and the $1000.
About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.
"So how's Fido doing, son?" His father asks.
"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this, they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals to READ!"
"READ!?" Says his father, "No kidding!
What do I have to do to get him in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
And his father sends the money.
At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When he gets home, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Fido? I just can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin" around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?'
"The father says, "Damn; I hope you SHOT that lyin' dog!"
"I sure did, Dad!"

A fellow took his talking dog to a show business talent agent, and the dog did six or seven familiar old jokes, including a few with French and English accents.
"What do you think?" asked the dogís owner. "Weíre going make a fortune, right?"
"Well,í the agent replied, "his deliveryís all right, but his materialís weak."

Time
What animal keeps the best time?
A watchdog!

Did you hear about the dog that swallowed a clock?
He was full of ticks!

We've got a new watch dog."
"Is he a good watch dog?"
"I'll say! The other day he stopped a dirty, old tramp from eating a steak and kidney pie my mom had left on the kitchen table."
"Go on!"
"He did! He ate it himself!"

Too Many Dogs
Nobody is too poor to own a dog. Some are so poor they have ten to fifteen.

Vic: "My wife said if I don't cut down on the number of dogs, she's going to leave me."
Ted: "That's too bad."
Vic: "Yeah, I'm really going to miss her."

Training
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
November 7, 2000
SAN FRANCISCO, California (Reuters) -- A San Francisco man who bit his dog as part of a "primal" training regime has been ordered to stand trial on felony charges of animal cruelty.
Furniture mover Steven Maul, 24, allegedly forced his 80-pound Labrador puppy "Boo" to the ground on two separate occasions to administer nips to the neck as part of an unorthodox discipline system.
"Nothing here was cruel or hurtful," Maul's attorney, Jasper Monti, told Tuesday's San Francisco Chronicle after a judge ordered Maul to stand trial on the charges. "My client in fact has French kissed his dog. My client is very oral."
Witnesses described Boo as yelping wildly as Maul bit him on the neck. In both cases they called authorities to intercede.
Maul has described the bites as part of "nature's way" of dog training by harnessing evolutionary models of pack behavior. He has denied that his bites draw blood, leave a mark, or cause pain. "There's no hurting involved," he told one reporter. "It's communicating to the dog that you are dominant."
In a Monday hearing a superior court judge ordered Maul to return on November 21 to set a date for his trial. Boo, meanwhile, is being cared for by the Association for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals.
Maul, who said he spent some $4,500 earlier this year on medical treatment for Boo after he was hit by a car, has suggested that prosecutors are barking up the wrong tree in depicting him as an animal abuser.
"He was the one who finished my burritos and drank out of my water glass," Maul said of Boo. "I miss him constantly."

I spent two years teaching my dog to sit. Now, heís forgotten how to stand.

"If A Dog Were Your Teacher" ... you would learn stuff like.....
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
When it's in your best interest -- practice obedience.
Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
Take naps and stretch before rising.
Run, romp, and play daily.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting, when a simple growl will do.
On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout... run right back and make friends.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.
Be loyal.
Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

I took my dog for a walk the other day, but he couldnít stay with me. So I traded him for a turtle.

My dog is taking an advance course in obedience school. He knows how to fetch, heel, stay, and now heís working on how to fax.

Thirteen things dogs don't understand
1. It's not a laugh to practice barking at 3a.m.
2. It's wrong to back Grandma into a corner and guard her.
3. He shouldn't jump on your bed when he's sopping wet.
4. The command "SHUT THE F*%@ UP!" means just that
5. The cats have every right to be in the living room.
6. Crapping on the floor is not something deserving of a treat
7. Barking at guests 10 minutes after they arrive is stupid
8. No, we said SIT
9. I know itís a nice leg, but don't ride it.
10. Getting up does NOT mean we are going for a walk
11. Just because I'm eating, doesn't mean you can.
12. If you look at me with those big soppy eyes, I'm not going to give in and feed you. NOT NOT NOT. Oh, ok, just this once.
13. No, it's my food.... Oh all right then, just a small piece.

Tom: My dog knows math.
Dick: Really!
Tom: Yes, I ask him how much is 25 minus 25 and he says nothing.

A dog went to college and came home for the summer. The dog next door asked how he was doing, and he answered, "Iím doing great in Math and economics, but Iím really great in foreign languages."
"No Kidding? Say something in a foreign language."
"Meow."

"He used to take his dog to school every day, but he finally had to stop."
"How come?"
"The dog graduated."

Nancy has announced that sheís given up trying to teach her cats to come when she calls. She said sheís moved on to something much easier Ė teaching the dog to climb trees.

Mind Games Dogs Play With Humans...
** After your humans give you a bath, DON'T LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially good if it's right before your humanís bedtime.
** Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused. (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.)
** Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. Then the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they're talking about.
** Make your humans be patient. When you go outside to go 'pee', sniff around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose to go pee will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.
** Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk, always pick the busiest, most visible spot to go 'poo'. Take your time and make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag.
** When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human walks by.
** Make your own rules. Don't always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while.
** Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don't greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you. (Don't reappear until one of your humans is panic stricken and close to tears).
** When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.
** Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and make the humans take you out for your morning pee. As soon as you get back inside, fall asleep. (Humans can rarely fall back asleep after going outside, this will drive them nuts!)

What do need to know before you can teach a dog, tricks?
More than the dog!

When a dog graduates from obedience school what does he get?
A pet-degree.

Buffy: "We just sold our Thoroughbred for $2000."
Biff: "We just sold our registered Jag terrier."
Buffy: What did you sell him for?"
Biff: "Wetting on the carpet!"

Q: How do we know that gnus are smarter than dogs?
A: Because you can't teach an old dog gnu tricks.

"I like your new dog. Is he very clever?"
"I'll say! When I say to him, 'Are you coming for a walk or aren't you?' He either comes or he doesn't!"

A man answered his doorbell and a friend walked in, followed by a very large dog. As they began talking, the dog knocked over a lamp and jumped up on the sofa with his muddy paws and began chewing on one of the cushions.
The outraged homeowner, unable to contain himself any more, burst out, "Don't you think you should train your dog better before you take him visiting?"
"My Dog!" exclaimed his friend, surprised, "I thought he was your dog!"

Two bums were discussing the reasons they became bums.
"I'm a dog trainer who never listened to anyone," said the first bum.
"Shake partner," said the second bum. "I'm the trainer who followed everyone's suggestions."

I finally trained my dog not to beg at the table.
How did you do that?
I let him taste my wife's cooking.

"I see you dog is back from obedience school."
"Yes, he finished two days ahead of schedule."
"Your dogís really smart, huh?"
"Not really. He was expelled."

New York City has many dogs, and itís not uncommon to hear people barking commands like, "Sit!", "No!" or even "Donít sniff that!"
But Chris Atkins was taken aback when as the light changed and a number of pedestrians started to cross the street, a man said to his dog: "Okay, Max, letís go. And please, letís not forget what almost happened the last time. - The New York Times

"Could we reschedule our tennis match?" my friend asked. "I have to take my dogs to obedience school in the morning."
"Obedience school?" I answered. "What if they donít want to go?" - Raul Jose

Transportation
A woman tells her friend she should be angry with her husband for chasing women.
The woman replies, "Why? A dog always chases cars, and he canít drive."

The man was in a hurry to board the airplane and didn't have time to do the paperwork to get his little doggie on board. So the man stashed the puppy down the front of his pants and sneaked him on the plane. About 30 minutes into the flight, a stewardess noticed that the man was squirming in his seat. "Are you OK, mister?" the stewardess asked.
"Yes, I'm fine," said the man. Time went by and again the stewardess noticed strange movements. "Are you sure you're all right, sir?"
"Yes," the man insisted, "but I have a confession to make. I didn't have time to do the paperwork to bring my puppy on board, so I hid him down the front of my pants."
"I see," the stewardess said. "Well, as long as he's housebroken, I guess it will be OK."
"Oh, he's housebroken," the man replied. "The problem is, he's not weaned yet!"

Eskimo Boy: I drove a dogsled across the Artic just to see you.
Eskimo Girl: Thatís a lot of mush.

Mrs. Smith was backing out of her driveway when she heard a thump. She stopped the car in a panic and rushed out to se what had happened. There at the end of the driveway, was a small dog lying on its side. It was dead. Mrs. Smith felt awful. She knew it was her neighborís dog. Looking very worried, she climbed the front stairs of her neighborís house and knocked on his door. She waited for a couple of minutes. Finally a tall man answered.
"Iím so sorry," Mrs. Smith said. "I was backing out of my driveway just a few minutes ago when I heard a thump. I got out of my car to see what had happened. Your dog was lying dead at the end of the driveway. Iím afraid I ran over him and I feel terrible about it. I insist on replacing him."
The tall man paused and then said, "Well, I guess you can bring me my slippers and newspaper tomorrow morning."

Why donít dogs like to travel on airplanes?
They get jet wag!

A man walks into a bar and sits down on a stool.  He reaches down and sits his dog on the stool next to him.

The bartender says "What'll ya have?"

The man says "I'll have a beer and a bowl of water for my dog."

Bartender says "Coming right up."  The bartender gets the man his beer and sets the bowl of water in front of the dog on the bar.

"That's an odd looking dog you got there." Says the bartender. "It looks like he doesn't have any legs."

"Yep, that's right." says the man "No legs at all, he was born that way"

The bartender says "I think that's terrific you adopted a dog with such disabilities"

"Yea" says the man "But he's a lot of work.  I have to feed him by hand, take extra precautions when I bathe him, I even have to tuck him in at night in his little bed"

"Wow" says the bartender. "What's the dog's name?"

"Cigarette" says the man.

"Cigarette?!  That's an odd name for a dog.  Why did you name him that?"

"Well" says the man "Because, every night I take him out for a drag!"

Columbus must have been happy when he saw the New World. There, staring him in the face was a shoreline with a tree. But his happiness was nothing compared to the shipís dog.

When Columbus came to America, there were no taxes, no debts, the woman did all the work, the men hunted and fished all day and the medicine man didnít charge for his services.
Now how did Columbus expect to improve on that?

Whatís the difference between a dog who sticks his head out the window and your little brother or sister?
Oneís a neck in the pane, the other is a pain in the neck.

Veterinarian
In 1666, the first blood transfusion took place in London. Blood from one dog was transfused into another.

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"

Jane: "My dog Lassie is sick so we're taking her to the animal doctor."
Jack: "Gee, I thought all doctors were people!"

One of our clients brought in his massive Doberman Pincher to be spayed. As a veterinary assistant, I escort the patients into the doctor's office. But before taking this dog's leash, I glimpsed those large teeth of hers and asked the owner, "Is she friendly?"
"Friendly?" said the man. "She's had five litters!" - from Reader's Digest by June Gouvas

Owner: "Why does your dog always scratch herself in the same spot?"
Vet: "Because that's where she itches!"

A client who felt he was over charged was ranting and raving about his dogís bill.
He calmed down quickly when the veterinarian reminded him what happened to overaggressive males in her clinic.

Veterinarian: "Has your dog ever had fleas?"
Dog owner: "No, just puppies."

Jimmy asked, "Got anything to cure fleas?"
"That depends," replied the vet. "What's wrong with them?"

Vet: I want you to make sure that FooFoo swallows one of these pills three times a day.
Lady: Donít be silly. How can he swallow a pill more than once?

What kind of dog would a veterinarian own?
A Laboratory Retriever.

A terrified owner called 911. "Help me!" she said. "My Rottweiler just swallowed a fork!"
The 911 operator told her not to worry and bring the dog to the veterinarian to remove the fork as soon as possible.
The distraught woman then asked, "What should I do until then."
The operator said," Use a spoon."

When do veterinarians get angry?
When they run out of patients!

My dogís nose was so hot; it burned a hole in the back door.

A man limps into the doctorís office and says he was just bitten by a dog.
The doctor says, "Did you see the sign on my office door? My visiting hours are only until four."
The man answered, "Iím sorry Doctor, the dog didnít see your sign!"

The doctor tells the new patient, "Hereís exactly whatís wrong with you. You donít eat right, you donít exercise, and your eyes are weak. My sign says Iím a veterinarian."

At John Hopkins, they put the heart of a dog into a human patient. They canít collect, because the patient keeps burying the bills in the backyard.

A rabid dog bit Tommy. The doctor gives him some painful shots and tells him to wait in the reception room until it can be discerned if Tommy reacts unfavorably. The doctor comes out a few minutes later and is puzzled as he sees Tommy writing madly on a sheet of paper. The doctor says, "Thereís no rush to make out your will."
Tommy says, "This isnít my will. Iím just making a list of all the people Iím going to bite."

This man had seventy-two dogs in his house. The doctor told him to stop whistling in his sleep.

What do you do if your Golden Retriever wonít stop sneezing?
Call a Dogtor!

A woman calls the Vet and says, "My dog just swallowed fifty aspirins. What should I do?
The Vet says, "What else? Give him a headache."

My Vet told me my dogís operation was routine and not at all complicated.
I told him to remember that when he makes out the bill.

The time came for annual immunizations at our overseas Air Force base. To get us all vaccinated as quickly as possible, they pressed the veterinary surgeon into helping out. I got my injection from the vet.
"Wow,í I said, you did that so gently, I hardly felt it.í
"I have to be gentle, " he said. "My patients can bite."

Walking
I was in love with the girl next door. I walked my dog in front of her house so often, her tree died.

Gretchin: Every day my dog and I go for a tramp in the woods.
Hans: Does your dog enjoy it?
Gretchin: Yes, but the tramp is getting fed up with it.

Two dogs were out for a walk. One dog says to the other dog, Wait here a minute. Iíll be right back." He walks across the street, sniffs a fire hydrant for about a minute, and then rejoins his friend.
"What was that all about?" the other dog asks.
"Just checking my messages."

I saw two dogs walk over to a parking meter. One said to the other, "How do you like that? Pay toilets!"

He might be a redneck if when walking the dog they use the same tree Ė Jeff Foxworthy

Weather
"Look out the window and see if itís still raining outside."
"Too much trouble. Just call in the dog and see if heís wet."

Q: What dog gets rusty if you leave him out in the rain?
A: Rin Tin Tin

It was raining cats and dogs, and leaving little poodles.

What's worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.

When do you know itís too cold to go on a walk?
When the dog sticks to the fire hydrant.

What does a dog get when it rains?
It gets wet, silly.

Dog: "It sure is hot!"
Hog: "I know. I'm bacon!"

Why is a dog so hot in the summer?
Because he wears a fur coat and pants.

It sure is hot today.
Yeah, I just saw my dog chasing a cat and they were both walking.

California weather is terrific. The other day it was shining cats and dogs.

Wife and Dog
A man said to his wife, "I love my dog but a man needs at least two friends."
His wife went out and bought him another dog!

Stan: "I got a dog for my wife."
Dan: "I wish I could make a trade like that."

One golf widow got sick of her husbandís obsession with the game. One day he came home to find a note that said, "Went shopping. Your dinner is in the dog."

A dog is better than a wife.  The license is cheaper, there are no in-laws, and it already has a fur coat.

Wife to husband: I want you to explain why I have to wear these same old clothes, month after month after month!
Husband: Because if you didnít, youíd scare the dog.

"Your dog bit my mother-in-law this morning."
"I guess youíre going to sue for damages."
"Not if you sell me the dog."

A couple had just had a spat in the car and the wife was fuming. Seeing a dog walking along the sidewalk she turns to her husband and asks, "A relative of yours?"
The husband answered, "Yes, by marriage!í

Wife to Husband: "I fell like taking a long, romantic walk in the moonlight."
Husband to wife: "Good idea. Take the dog with you."

Wild Dogs
What do you call a nutty dog in Australia?
A dingo-ling!

"Have you ever seen a dog make a rabbit hutch?"
"No, but I've seen a fox make a chicken run!"

A minister was visiting the wife of a member of his congregation. As he sipped a cup of coffee, the door burst open and the husband charged in carrying a dead fox over his back. He started to tell his wife, "Finally got the varmint whoís been at the chickens. I shot him twice and stomped on him and clubbed him untilÖ" He saw the minister, and went on, "Till the good Lord called him home!"

"Why do prairie wolves howl all night long?"
"Because there are no trees on the prairie, just cactus."

Why are cards like wolves?
Because they belong in a pack.

What was that howling I heard all night? I couldnít sleep a wink."
"That was a Timber wolf."
"Impossible! There are no Timber wolves around here."
"I know. Thatís exactly what he was howling about."

How did you get your hands full of splinters?
I was out hunting and caught a timber wolf barehanded.

Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves. The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket.
After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, "Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and out number them?"

A girl can be scared to death by a mouse or a spider,
but she's often too willing to take her chances with a wolf.

Most people are really scared of werewolves but I bet if you saw one crying because the other wolves had made fun of him, you would probably feel sorry for him and try to pet him. That was my first mistake. ---Unknown

"Never moon a werewolf."

Zoo
Visitors at a zoo were amazed to see an exhibit called "Peaceful coexistence". It held a fox and four chickens. The zookeeper explained it was easy to maintain the arrangement Ė all they had to do was to occasionally toss in a few more chickens.

A woman promises to take her children to the zoo. Theyíll leave as soon as the maid comes home to take care of the dogs. However, the maid doesnít show up, so the woman calls the zoo and asks if she can bring her dogs along.
The receptionist says, "Iím sorry but we donít allow animals in the zoo."

Odds and Ends
A joke for the inebriated masses:
Q. How Many pancakes does it take to build a doghouse?
A. None. An alligator can't fly.

What is the difference between a well-dressed man and a tired dog?
The man wears an entire suit and the dog just has a coat and pants.

Why does a dog wear a fur coat?
Because if he didnít, heíd be a little bear.

Where do dogs buy their underwear?
At K-9 Mart.

There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an old, abandoned mineshaft. Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing.
They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited, still nothing. They searched the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie. With great difficulty, the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in. While waiting for it to hit bottom, a large dog suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole!
The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces from the actions of the dog when a man walked up to them. He asked them if they had seen a dog anywhere in the area and they said that one had just jumped into the mineshaft in front of them! The man replied, 'Oh no. That couldn't be my dog, mine was tied to a railroad tie.'

Two neighbors had been fighting each other for nigh on four decades. Bob buys a Great Dane and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard. For one whole year Bill ignores the dog.
So Bob then buys a cow and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard. After about a year and a half of Bob's cow crapping in Bill's yard and being ignored all the while, a semi pulls up in front of Bill's house.
Bob runs over and demands to know what's in the 18-wheeler.
'My new pet elephant,' Bill replies solemnly.

What kind of dog can jump higher than a house?
Any kind! Houses canít jump.

I once had a dog that really believed he was manís best friend.
He kept borrowing money from me.

A dog was tied on a ten-foot leash but walked thirty feet in a straight line. How is that possible?
The rope wasnít tied to anything on the other end!

The dogfish in Tennessee are big and mean. People report that theyíve seen two of them tree a bear.

When George Washington chopped down the cherry tree, his father was angry. But not as much as the family dog.

Q: Who should you feel more sorry for; a cat or a dog?
A: A cat. Because cats are such purr things.

Why

Why Dogs are better than Men:

Why men are better than dogs:

Why men and dogs are the same:

Finally, for the men, why dogs are better than women:

The End

Three young children had a small dog that had died. The children were sad but decided to give their loyal companion a really nice burial service. They had gone to church with their parents quite often so they had some idea of how to conduit the service.
The first step was to dig a grave in a restful area of the yard. Then very gravely they conducted the burial service. One child held the dog ready for its interment, while another child solemnly said, "In the name of the Father, and the Son, and in the hole he goes. Amen."

Epitaph in a dog cemetery: "He never met a man he didnít lick."

"Near this spot are deposited the remains of one who possessed Beauty without Vanity, Strength without Insolence, Courage without Ferocity, and all the Virtues of Man without his Vices. This praise, which would be unmeaning Flattery, if inscribed over human ashes, is but a just Tribute to the Memory of BOATSWAIN, a Dog."
John Cam Hobhouse (1786 ≠ 1869), British statesman. Inscription on the monument raised for Lord Byron's dog, Boatswain, in the grounds of Newstead Abbey, Byron's seat in Nottinghamshire. These lines have often been attributed to Byron, but a draft of a letter written by Hobhouse in 1830, quoted in: Doris Langley Moore, The Late Lord Byron, ch. 10 (1961; rev. 1976), shows that Byron decided to use Hobhouse's epitaph instead of his own:
"To mark a friend's remains these stones arise
I never knew but one and here he lies."

Mr. Jones walked into the bar with his dog Bubba. Ordering a beer while Bubba sat at his feet,  Jones said to the bartender, "Say, I'll bet you a fin that my dog can talk."
Glancing down at the mixed breed, the bartender pulled a five dollar bill from his pocket and slapped it on the counter.  "You're on!"
Turning to his dog, Jones asked, "What's the thing on top of this building which keeps the rain from coming inside?"
Bubba replied, "Roof!"
Scratching his head, the bartender pulled another bill from his pocket and laid it on the counter.  "Five bucks more says he can't answer another question."
Accepting the challenge, Jones asked "What's a bad place to be on the Golf course?"
Bubba replied, "Ruff!"
Catching on, the bartender said, Okay, wise guy, fifty bucks says he can't do it again. Only this time I gat to ask the question."  Before Jones could reply, the bartender took all the money out of his pockets, his wallet  and the cash register and placed it on the bar. 
Kneeling down he addressed the dog. "Who was the greatest ballplayer of all time?"
Bubba replied, "DiMaggio!"

 

 

 

"The one absolutely unselfish friend that man can have in this selfish world, the one that never deserts him, the one that never proves ungrateful or treacherous, is his dog. . . .He will kiss the hand that has no food to offer; he will lick the wounds and sores that come in encounter with the roughness of the world. . . .When all other friends desert, he remains." - George G Vest

Puppies for Sale
A store owner was tacking a sign above his door that read "Puppies For Sale." Signs like that have a way of attracting small children, and sure enough, a little boy appeared under the store owner's sign.
 "How much are you going to sell the puppies for?" he asked.
 The store owner replied, "Anywhere from $10 to $12."
The little boy reached in his pocket and pulled out some change. "I have $2.37," he said. "May I please look at them?"
The store owner smiled and whistled and out of the kennel came a dog, who ran down the aisle of his store followed by five teeny, tiny balls of fur.
One puppy was lagging considerably behind. Immediately the little boy singled out the lagging, limping puppy and asked,
"What's wrong with that little dog?"
The store owner explained that the puppies came from a farm nearby and that the puppy's leg had been stepped on by a horse. It would always limp. It would always be lame.
The little boy became excited. "That is the puppy that I want to buy."
The store owner said, "No, you don't want to buy that little dog. If you really want him, I'll just give him to you."
The little boy got quite upset. He looked straight into the store owner's eyes, pointing his finger, and said, "I don't want you to give him to me. That little dog is worth every bit as much as all the other dogs, and I'll pay full price. In fact, I'll give you $2.37 now, and $0.50 cents a month until I have him paid for."
The store owner countered, "You really don't want to buy this little dog. He is never going to be able to run and jump and play with you like the other puppies."
To his surprise, the little boy reached down and rolled up his pant leg to reveal a badly twisted, crippled left leg supported by a big metal brace. He looked up at the store owner and softly replied, "Well, I don't run so well myself, and the little puppy will need someone who understands.
The pup never did get to be very fast but a couple of years later he was quick enough to take a snake bite and save the boyís life.

"Remember, we're all worth as much as each other... no matter what life has thrown at you don't ever let anyone tell you you're not as good as anybody else.

"The fidelity of a dog is a precious gift demanding no less binding moral responsibilities than the friendship of a human being. The bond with a dog is as lasting as the ties of this earth can ever be."  -- Konrad Lorenz

"How Many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?"
Alaskan Malamute: Let the Black Mouth Cur do it and you can feed me while he's busy.
Black Mouth Cur: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Border Collie: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a tight, little circle...
Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can pee on the carpet in the dark and no one will notice.
Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
German Shepherd Dog:  First, you need to get me the schematic diagrams of the house wiring. Second, we have to check with OSHA on all pertinent safety codes, Then,...
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
Greyhound:
It isn't moving. Who cares?
Irish Wolfhound:
Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover....
Jack Russell Terrier:
I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
Lab:
Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Mastiff:
Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Old English Sheep Dog:
Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
Pointer
: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there........
Poodle:
I'll just blow in the BMC's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Rottweiler: Make me.
Shi-tzu:
Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . . .
Westie:
Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs, I am not one of THEM, so the question is, how long will it be before I can expect my light?
Hound: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz

"All knowledge, the totality of all questions and all answers is contained in the dog." - Kafka

Lessons learned from my dog.
1. If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.
2. Don't go out without ID.
3. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by pissing on their shoes.
4. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
5. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
6. Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is most effective.
7. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged shamefully out from under the bed).
8. If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.

"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself." - Josh Billings

Soap and Water
A minister was asked to dinner by one of his church members. He knew she was a bad housekeeper but agreed. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life. "Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.
She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them". He felt a bit uncomfortable, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes. When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, "Here Soap! Here Water!"

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock. ĖWill Rogers (1879 - 1935)

Help Wanted
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."

"I used to look at [my dog] Smokey and think, 'If you were a little smarter you could tell me what you were thinking,' and he'd look at me like he was saying, 'If you were a little smarter, I wouldn't have to.'" - Fred Jungclaus

Lady's Choice
A Doberman, a Bulldog and a Chihuahua are in a doggie bar having a cool one when a good-looking female French Poodle comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a creative sentence can have me."
So the Doberman says, "I hate liver and I love cheese."
The Poodle says, "That's not good enough."
The Bulldog says, "I love liver and I hate cheese."
She says, "That's still not creative."
Finally the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone...cheese mine!"

Women and cats do as they darned well please, and men and dogs had best learn to live with it. -- Alan Holbrook

Card Dog
Two good olí boys were bragging about the intelligence of their pets.
"The brightest dog I ever had," said one, "was a Black Mouth cur that
used to play cards. He was great at poker, but finally a friend
complained about him and I had to get rid of him."
"You got rid of him, a bright dog like that? A dog like that would
be worth a million dollars."
"Had to," he replied, "caught him using marked cards."

"If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman's pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog." - George Bernard Shaw

Beware of Dog!
Upon entering a small country store, a stranger noticed a sign saying DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door.
Inside a harmless old hound dog was asleep on the floor beside the cash register.
The stranger asked the store owner, "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"
"Yep, that's him," the owner replied.
The amused stranger inquired, "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
"Because," responded the owner, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

"America is a large friendly dog in a small room. Every time it wags it's tail it knocks over a chair." - Arnold Toynbee

Dog at the Movies
Jack went to the cinema one day, and in the front row was an old man and his dog.
During the sad parts of the movie, the dog cried his eyes out. In the funny parts, the dog laughed its head off. Throughout the film, Jack couldn't help watching the dog react to what was on the screen.
After the movie had ended, Jack decided to go and speak to the man.
'"I'm sorry to bother you, but I was amazed that your dog seemed to get into the movie so much. He cried at the right spots, moved nervously at the boring spots, and laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Don't you find that unusual?"
The man turned to Jack and said, "Yes, I find it very unusual. Especially considering that he hated the book!"

"Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun!" - Groucho Marx

The Smartest Dog Ever
A butcher is shooing a yellow dog from his shop when he sees a $10 bill and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop.
He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.
As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off.
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts screaming at the dog.
The butcher runs up yells at the guy: "What are you doing? That dog's a genius!"
The owner responds, "Genius nothing. This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

It's funny how dogs and cats know the inside of folks better than other folks do, isn't it?--Eleanor H. Porter (1868 - 1920), Pollyanna, 1912

"No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation." -- Fran Lebowitz

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' fer the man that shot my paw."

Sleeping Pills
An exhausted looking blond dragged himself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."
"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over."
"Great," the blond answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."
A few weeks later the blond returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"
"I don't understand how that could be", said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"
"That may be true," answered the blond wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!"

"One dog barks at something, the rest bark at him." - Chinese Proverb
"When you feel dog tired at night, it may be because you've growled all day long." - Unknown

Researches have discovered that dogs can comprehend a vocabulary of 2,000 words, whereas cats can only comprehend 25 to 50. No one ever asks how many words researchers can comprehend.

Talking Dog for Sale
This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.
"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says "Ten dollars."
The guy says he'll buy him, but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him for $10?"
The owner replies, "He's such a liar."

"One reason a dog is such a lovable creature is his tail wags instead of his tongue." - Unknown

Puppy Love
My dog chewed the tongue on one of my new, expensive running shoes. I hoped to save my investment, so I took the sneakers to a shoe repair shop. I placed them on the counter and told the man, "My dog got hold of this."
The repairman picked up the shoe, looked it over, and placed it back down on the counter.
 "Well, what do you recommend?" I asked.
He looked at me and replied, "Give your dog the other shoe."

Q:  What's the difference between a man with a missing slipper and a detective trailing a criminal?
A: One suspects his dog and the other dogs his suspect.

"The dog's kennel is not a place to keep sausages." -- Danish Proverb

"My dog can bark like a congressman, fetch like an aide, beg like a press secretary and play dead like a receptionist when the phone rings." - Gerald B H Solomon, US Congressman, Entry in contest to identify Capitol Hill's Great American Dog, NY Times 9 Aug 86

Measure wealth not by the things you have, but by the things you have for which you would not take money.

"When the Man waked up he said, 'What is Wild Dog doing here?'
And the Woman said, 'His name is not Wild Dog any more, but the First Friend,
because he will be our friend for always and always and always.'" - Rudyard Kipling

"We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made" --M. Facklam

Let Sleeping Dogs Lie
I was in the backyard hanging the laundry when an old, tired-looking cur dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when I walked into the house, he followed me, sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour.
This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar:
"Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap. "
The next day the dog arrived with a different note pinned to his collar:
"He lives in a home with 10 children - he's trying to catch up on his sleep."

"Old dogs, like old shoes, are comfortable. They might be a bit out of shape and a little worn around the edges, but they fit well." - Bonnie Wilcox 'Old Dogs, Old Friends'

An older Native American once described his own inner struggles in this manner: "Inside of me there are two dogs. One dog is mean and evil. The other dog is good. The mean dog fights the good dog all the time."
When asked which dog wins, he reflected "The one that I feed."

"Properly trained, a man can be a dog's best friend." -- Corey Ford

The Dalmatian
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.
The children fell to discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

The liquid on the INside of a fire hydrant is H2O
The liquid on the OUTside of a fire hydrant is K9P
T Joiner

"Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant." --Unknown

"Never stand between a dog and the hydrant." - John Peers

Mom's Time Out
My Parents had not been out together in quite some time.
One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped up behind her.
"Would you like to go out, girl?" he asked.
Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, "Oh, yes, I'd love to!"
They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn't until the end of it that Dad confessed.
His question had actually been directed to the family dog, lying near Mom's feet on the kitchen floor.

"Dogs have given us their absolute all. We are the center of ther universe. We are the focus of their love and faith and trust. They serve us in return for scraps. It is without a doubt the best deal man has ever made." - Roger Caras

Barking Dog
Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at 4:44 A.M. by his ringing telephone.
"Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an angry voice.
Bernard thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up.
The next morning at precisely 4:44 A.M., Bernard called his neighbor back.
"Good morning, Mr. Williams. Just called to say that I don't have a dog."

"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson

Law Suit
A farmer who's been involved in a terrible road accident with a large truck ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim.
"I understand you're claiming damages for the injuries you're supposed to have suffered?" stated the counsel for the insurance company.
"Yes, that's right," replied the farmer, nodding his head.
"You claim you were injured in the accident, yet I have a signed police statement that says that when the attending police officer asked you how you were feeling, you replied, 'I've never felt better in my life.' Is that the case?"
"Yeah, but --" stammered the farmer.
"A simple yes or no will suffice," counsel interrupted quickly.
"Yes," Replied the farmer.
Then it was the turn of the farmer's counsel to ask him questions.
"Please tell the court the exact circumstance of events following the accident when you made your statement of health," his lawyer said.
"Certainly," replied the farmer. "After the accident my horse was thrashing around with a broken leg and my poor old dog was howling in pain. This cop comes along, takes one look at my horse and shoots him dead.
"Then he goes over to my dog, looks at him and shoots him dead too. Then he come straight over to me and when he asked me how I felt, I just thought, under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I've never felt better in my life."

When two dogs fight for a bone, and the third runs off with it, there's a lawyer among the dogs. German proverb

An Atheist
A young woman teacher with obvious liberal tendencies explains to her class of small children that she is an atheist. She asks her class if they are atheists too. Not really knowing what atheism is but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks.
There is, however, one exception. A beautiful girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because I'm not an atheist."
Then, asks the teacher, "What are you?"
"I'm a Christian."
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why she is a Christian.
"Well, I was brought up knowing and loving Jesus. My mom is a Christian, and my dad is a Christian, so I am a Christian."
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly.  "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"
She paused, and smiled. "Then," says Lucy, "I'd be an atheist."

"I care not for a man's religion whose dog and cat are not the better for it." -- Abraham Lincoln

From Cheers;
Woody: "
How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
Norm: "It's a dog eat dog world, Woody, and I'm wearing milk bone underwear."

"If you wish the dog to follow you, feed him." - Unknown

Does your dog bite?
There was a hound dog laying in the yard. An old man in overalls was sitting on the porch.
"Excuse me, Sir, but does your dog bite?", the tourist asked.
The old man replied, "Nope."
So the tourist stepped out of his car. The dog ran over snarling and growling and bit him on his arms and legs. As the dog was dragging him away the tourist was flailing around in the dust and yelled, "I thought you said your dog didn't bit!"
The old man replied, "That ain't my dog."

"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man."  -- Mark Twain

In the Pub
There was a man who ran a pub. He had a dog which he loved dearly, as did all the customers in the pub. One of the customers had rather too much to drink one evening and unfortunately drove his car over the dog which died instantly. There were no obvious injuries except that his tail was severed. So popular was the dog that the landlord had the tail mounted and hung in the bar.
After the dog died many customers reported hearing a ghostly barking as they left the pub. Finally one night after time had been called and all the customers had gone, the publican was shocked to see the dog appear in the bar. After he had calmed down he began to speak to the dog asking if he was happy in
doggy heaven.
The dog replied that he was but he missed one thing, and begged the landlord to take his tail from the wall and put back on the end of his body.
"Now Fido", said the landlord "surely you are not asking me to retail spirits after hours."

"Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails. What puts man in a higher state of evolution is that he has got his laugh on the right end." - Max Eastman

Heaven?
A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was just enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying and that his dog had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.
After a while they came to a high white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate between the arches that looked like mother of pearl, and that the street that led beyond the gate looked like pure gold.
He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer he saw a man at a desk to one side.
When he was close enough he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"
"This is heaven, sir," the man answered.
"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.
"Of course, sir. Come right in and I'll have some ice water brought right up." The man gestured, and the gate began to open.
"Can my dog come in too?" the traveler asked.
"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."
The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going.
After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, the man came to a dirt road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.
"Excuse me" he called to the reader, "Do you have any water?"
"Yes, there's a pump right over there." The man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in."
"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.
"There should be a bowl by the pump."
They went through the gate and, sure enough, there was an old fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.
The traveler filled the bowl and took a long drink himself. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man, who was standing by then, waiting for them. "What do you call this place?" he asked.
"This is heaven," was the answer.
"Well, that's confusing," he said, "the man down the road said that was heaven too."
"Oh, you mean the place with the street of gold and the pearly gates? That's hell."
"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"
"No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they screen out the people who would leave their dogs behind......."

"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went." --Will Rogers

The Creation Story, as told by a Dog
On the first day of creation, God created the dog.
On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.
On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth (especially the horse) to serve as potential food for the dog.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the dog.
On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the man broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.

God ... sat down for a moment when the dog was finished in order to watch it... and to know that it was good, that nothing was lacking, that it could not have been made better. --Rainer Maria Rilke

The Psychic Dog
This story was related by Pat Routledge of Winnepeg, Ontario, about an unusual telephone service call he handled while living in England.  It is a common practice in England to signal a telephone subscriber by signaling with 90 volts across one side of the two wire circuit and ground (earth in England).  When the subscriber answers the phone, it switches to the two wire circuit for the conversation.  This method allows two parties on the same line  to be signaled without disturbing each other.
This particular subscriber, an elderly lady with several pets called to say that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called; and that on the few occasions when it did manage to ring, her dog always barked first.  Torn between curiosity to see this psychic pooch and a realization that standard service techniques might not suffice in this case, Pat proceeded to the scene.  Climbing he telephone and hooked in his test set, he dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring. He tried again.  The dog barked loudly, followed by a ringing telephone. Climbing down from the pole, Pat found;
a.  The ground was extremely dry and not making a good connection for the ground wire.
b.  The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground post by an iron chain and collar.
c.  The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current.
d.  After several such jolts, the dog would start barking and urinating on the ground.
e.  The wet ground then conducted and the phone would rang.

"I think dogs are the most amazing creatures; they give unconditional love. For me they are the role model for being alive." - Gilda Radner

Who Gets The Dog?
A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age. The group surrounded a dog. Concerned the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked, "What are you doing with that dog?"
One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."
The reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a 10-minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie?" and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."
There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."

"Children and dogs are as necessary to the welfare of the country as Wall Street and the railroads." - Harry S Truman

The Rotty Who Knew Too Much
Several summers ago there was a Rotty who went to the country for a visit.  He decided that all the farm dogs were cowards, because they were afraid of a certain animal that had a white stripe down it's back.  "You are a pussy-cat and I can lick you." the Rotty said to the farm dog who lived in the house where the Rotty was visiting.  "I can lick the little animal with the white stripe also.  Show him to me."
"Don't you want to ask any questions about him?" asked the farm dog.
"Naw," said the Rotty, "You ask the questions."
So the farm dog took the Rotty into the woods and showed him the white-striped animal and the Rotty closed in on him, growling and slashing.  It was all over in a moment and the Rotty lay on his back.  When he came to, the farm dog asked "What happened?"
"He threw vitriol," said the Rotty, "but he never laid a tooth on me."
A few days later the farm dog told the Rotty there was another animal that all the farm dogs feared. 
"Lead me to him," said the Rotty.  "I can lick anything that doesn't wear horseshoes."
"Don't you want to ask any questions about him?" asked the farm dog.
"Naw" said the Rotty.  "Just show me where he hangs out."
So the farm dog led the Rotty to a place in the woods and pointed out the little animal when he came along.
"A clown, a pushover"  said the Rotty as he closed in, leading with his left and exhibiting some mighty fancy footwork.  In less than a minute the Rotty was flat on his back, and when he came to the farm dog was pulling quills out of him.
"What happened?" asked the farm dog.
"He pulled a knife on me,"  said the Rotty "but at least now I know how to fight out here in the country, and now I'm going to beat you up."  So he closed in on the farm dog, holding his nose with one front paw to ward off the vitriol and covering his eyes with the other paw to keep out the knives.  The Rotty couldn't see his opponent and he couldn't smell his opponent and he was so badly beaten that he had to be taken back to the city and put in a nursing home.
Moral:  It is better to ask some of the questions than to know all the answers.

"Even the tiniest Poodle or Chihuahua is still a wolf at heart." - Dorothy Hinshaw Patent, Dogs: The Wolf Within

A Dog's Telegram
On a slow day with few customers, a clerk at a telegram office looks down from her counter and sees a dog waiting in line.
"Oh, aren't you cute?" she says. "What would you like me to put on your telegram?"
"Bow wow wow, Bow wow wow," the dog replies.
The clerk says in a cutesy voice, "But you can add another 'Bow wow wow' for the same price."
The dog responds, "Now wouldn't that sound a little silly?"

"Do not make the mistake of treating your dogs like humans or they will treat you like dogs." - Martha Scott

Window Shopping
A blind man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks into a department store.  The man walks into the middle of the store, picks up the dog by his tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles above his head.
The store manager, who has seen all this, thought this was quite strange.  So he decided to find out what was going on.  He approached the blind man swinging the dog and asked "Pardon me, may I help you with something?"
The blind man says, "No thanks, I'm just looking around."

"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole." - Roger Caras

Wife:  We've got such a clever dog! He brings in the daily newspapers every day."
Husband:  "Well lots of dogs can do that."
Wife:  "But we've never subscribed to any paper."
Husband: "Huh!"

"Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued in the next yard." --Dave Barry

Service with a Smile
A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote: "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes or silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too." .

"Dogs are our link to paradise. They don't know evil or jealousy or discontent. To sit with a dog on a hillside on a glorious afternoon is to be back in Eden, where doing nothing was not boring--it was peace." - Milan Kundera

Parking
I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever had fresh air. She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!"
The driver of a nearby car gave me a startled look. "I don't know about you, lady," he said incredulously. "But I usually just put my car in park."

"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts." --John Steinbeck

Circle Flies
After catching a hunter with one squirrel over the limit, a game warden  started to lecture him about the game laws, pompously implying that the hunter didn't know how to count, didn't care about going over the game limit, etc.. and trying to make him feel as stupid and scuzzy as possible. He finally started writing out the ticket, but had to keep swatting at some flies buzzing around his head.
The hunter said, "Having some problems with those circle flies are ya?"
The warden paused to take another swat and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they are. I've never heard of circle flies."
The hunter was pleased to enlighten the warden. "Circle flies are common in the woods. They're called circle flies because you almost always find them circling the scat left by wild animals."
The warden continues writing for a moment, then says, "Hey, are you calling me what I think you're calling me?"
"Oh no, officer." The hunter replied. "I have too much respect for law enforcement and game wardens for that."
"That's a good thing," the warden said rudely, then went back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the hunter added, "Hard to fool them flies, though."

"A dog has lots of friends because he wags his tail and not his tongue."- Anonymous

You care for nothing but shooting, dogs, and rat- catching, and you will be a disgrace to yourself and all your family. Robert Darwin, to his son Charles (recounted in Darwin's autobiography)

17 Mules - 3 Sons
A Missouri farmer passed away and left 17 mules to his three sons. The instructions left in the will said that the oldest boy was to get one-half, the second oldest one-third, and the youngest one-ninth. The three sons, recognizing the difficulty of dividing 17 mules into these fractions, began to argue.
Their uncle heard about the argument, hitched up his mule and drove out to settle the matter. He added his mule to the 17, making 18. The oldest therefore got one-half, or nine, the second oldest got one-third, or six, and the youngest son got one-ninth, or two. Adding up 9, 6 and 2 equals 17. The uncle, having settled the argument, hitched up his mule and drove home.

In Washington, it's dog eat dog. In academia, it's exactly the opposite." Robert Reich, the Secretary of Labor

Elementary, My Dear Watson
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them. Phil Pastoret

Why God created Pets
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"
Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here & it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever & who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are & will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam & he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom & I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam & was a companion to him & loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content & wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord & said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts & preens like a peacock & he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well."
And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever & who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Dog was happy.
And the Cat didn't give a hoot one way or the other.

"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him." -- Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan

"The dog was created specially for children. He is the god of frolic." - Henry Ward Beecher

Jesus
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you".
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you". Totally rattled, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?", he hissed at the parrot.
"Yes," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who do you think you are anyway?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot 'Moses'?"
The bird promptly answered: "The same kind of people that would name an American Bulldog 'Jesus'!"

Bear in mind, if you are going to amount to anything, that your success does not depend upon the brilliance and the impetuosity with which you take hold, but upon the ever lasting and sanctified bull doggedness with which you hang on after you have taken hold. ~Dr. A. B. Meldrumss

If
If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with you troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you, when through no fault of your, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
Then, you are almost as good as your dog.

"No matter how little money and how few possessions you own, having a dog makes you rich." --Louis Sabin

No Change
A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it's all different. I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking."
"Why complain?" said the counselor, "You're still getting the same service."

A father gave his daughter an untrained,  pedigreed pup for her birthday.  An hour late, when walking into the kitchen he found her looking at a piddle in the center of the floor.  "My pup," she murmured sadly, "runneth over."

"Acquiring a dog may be the only opportunity a human ever has to choose a relative." -- Mordecai Siegal

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.
"Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.
"It sure is," I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

"No man can be condemned for owning a dog. As long as he has a dog, he has a friend; and the poorer he gets, the better friend he has." - Will Rogers

A man walks in to find his five-year-old son roughly jerking their dog's leash. Fuming he yells, "Do you want to tell me how sorry you are?!"
"I don't know," said the kid. "How much did you see?"

Not Carnegie, Vanderbilt and Astor together could have raised money enough to buy a quarter share in my little dog. --Ernest Thompson Seton, American writer and naturalist.

How to read Instructions
One of my dogs is a Pug. Pugs are very prone to seizures and typically take phenobarbital for their entire lives to keep this under control. When I recently picked up her prescription, which is made out to "Sparkle (Dog)", it had a sticker on it warning her that "May cause drowsyness, Alcohol may intensify this effect, Use care when operating a car or dangerous machinery."
Needless to say, we no longer let her drive her backhoe.

"The pug is living proof that God has a sense of humor."  Margot Kaufman, American writer

An effusive client brought a litter of golden-retriever puppies to my veterinary clinic for inoculations and worming. She loved them so much, she couldn't keep from remarking about their cute habits.
As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, I realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest. I turned on the water faucet, wet my fingers, and moistened each dog's head when I had finished.
After the fourth puppy, I noticed my hitherto talkative client had grown silent. As I sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and whispered, "I never realized they had to be baptized."

"Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of the most fond memories!" --Dr. Tom Cat

And you always wondered how
A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of puppies. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy puppies and two girl puppies."
"How did you know that?" his mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on their bottoms.

"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about little puppies." -- Gene Hill

Turn about is ...
A Veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor.
The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a Vet - I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking." She smugly added, "Why can't you?"
The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said, "There you are. ...Of course, if ~that~ doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

How To Photograph A Puppy
1.
Remove film from box and load camera.
2. Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
4. Choose a suitable background for photo.
5. Mount camera on tripod and focus.
6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.
10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
11. Take flash cube from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
12. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.
13. Put magazines back on coffee table.
14. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head..
15. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
16. Jump up in time to grab puppy and say, "No, outside! No, outside!"
17. Call spouse to clean up mess.
18. Fix a drink.
19. Sit back in Lazy Boy with drink and resolve to teach puppy "sit/stand" and "stay" the first thing in the morning.
20. Consider buying "older, trained" rescue dog.

"The scientific name for an animal that doesn't either run from or fight its enemies is lunch."- Michael Friedman

A Long Dog Joke
An old man lived with his hound-dog, Mace, in a run-down shack on the outskirts of town. He had no family and only a few meager possessions: a table and chair, a bed, a bag of hand tools, and his dog. He used the tools to do odd jobs in town, for which he usually would be paid enough to get food for the next day. Mace and his master lived from one day to the next on what little these jobs would bring in.
The dog was just a normal hound, with one exception: while most dogs like to chew on grass occasionally, Mace loved it. When the old man was in town, Mace would spend the day in the yard in front of the house, chewing away on the lawn.
One bright, sunny day the old man said goodbye to his dog and headed in to town to work. He had a plumbing repair job in one of the homes there that would take him most of the day and would probably pay enough for food for the remainder of the week, if he managed the money carefully. He headed for town with a spring in his step and a whistle on his lips.
Inside the house and ready to start, the old man reached in the bag for his wrench. To his surprise he didn't feel it. He dug around again, but there didn't seem to be any wrench. He looked in the bag, then dumped its contents on the floor, but still no wrench. Reality set in. Without a wrench he couldn't finish the job, and without the pay he couldn't even buy food for supper, let alone tomorrow.
When he finally came to grips with reality, he told the lady who hired him what the situation was. While she sympathized with his situation, the job needed to be done. If the old man couldn't do it, she would have to hired someone else.
The old man packed up his tools and headed home, head bowed and shoulders stooped. The whistle was gone and no longer was there a spring in his step. A walk that normally took 15 minutes seemed to last forever. But finally the old shack came into view, and there was Mace in the distance, munching away as usual on the lawn.
When the dog saw his master, he came running, tail wagging, telling the old man how glad he was to see him. Kneeling beside the hound, the man began to pet him, and through ear-filled eyes told the dog that there would be no supper tonight and no food for tomorrow. What's more, without money to buy a new wrench, he had no idea what the future held. It was the loneliest, most helpless feeling he had ever had!
Then he caught a glimpse of something shining in the grass. As the old man cover to see what this piece of shining material was, his despair turned in an instant to joy! It was the wrench! The old man had dropped it on his way out that morning, and it would have been lost forever had Mace not been eating farther away from the house than he usually did!
The old man grabbed the dog, gave him a hug that almost suffocated him, and ran into the house. Reaching for a stub of pencil and the only piece of paper he had, he wrote a moving tribute to his canine companion.
Few people have ever heard these words...until now, that is. One man who did happen to read them changed them a bit and has his name recorded in music history. The old man never did get the credit he deserved. But now you are privileged to read the beginning line of his original poem, which went: "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound that saved a wrench for me."

Old age means realizing you will never own all the dogs you wanted to. -- Joe Gores

Maybe this is all of us once in a while.
The man whispered, "God, speak to me," And a meadowlark sang; but, the Man did not hear.
So the man yelled, "God, speak to me!" And, the thunder rolled across the sky, but the man did not listen.
The man looked around and said, "God let me see you," and a star shone brightly.
But, the man did not notice. And the man shouted, "God show me a miracle!" and a life was born; but, the man did not know.
So, the man cried out in despair, "Touch me God, and let me know you are here!" Whereupon, God reached down and touched the man; but, the man brushed the butterfly away...... and walked on.
Don't miss out on a blessing because it isn't packaged the way that you expect.

Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!"- Anne Tyler

A watchdog is a dog kept to guard your home, usually by sleeping where a burglar would awaken the household by falling over him. -Anonymous

 

Imitating My Dog
Don't take this the wrong way, but for the longest time now, I have Been trying to imitate my dog.
Not his look, which is furry and chestnut brown. Not his walk, which, as with most golden retrievers, is more of a waddle.
And not his tail. I don't need a tail. I have enough trouble buckling my pants as it is.
Also, I can live without his bathroom habits, which can be summed up this way: "Tree or bush? Tree or bush? Aw, how about right here on the grass..."
No, what I admire about my dog is his fascination with the simple routine of life. Every day for him is like boarding the space shuttle. For example: In the morning, I tumble out of bed, grumble, yawn, open the door, and ta-da! There he is, the canine answer to Richard Simmons. He is so worked up, he doesn't know which way to go, toward me or away from me. So he does both. "Oh boy oh boy oh boy!" he seems to pant. "It's morning and I'm gonna eat!"
Never mind that he has eaten every morning since he was born. Or that he's had the same food every morning since he was born -- and that was 11 years ago. Never mind. He pulls me downstairs and waits breathlessly as I scoop yet another helping of boring brown nuggets into his bowl.
"Oh boy oh boy oh boy! Food, food, food!" I yawn. Three minutes later, he is off the food thing and into a new obsession: going out. Again, he runs forward and backward. "I'm going out! I'm going out! Is this great or what?"
Never mind that going out has not changed one bit since we've lived here. He is so thrilled by the notion of "exit" that he almost bites the doorknob off.
He bolts into the backyard as if heading for Tomorrow Land with a sack full of "E" tickets.
I slouch and yawn again. The great indoors. Then comes with the "bathroom" routine, which I already have described. Humans deal with these functions begrudgingly.
Not my dog. It's a real thrill for him. He scouts for the perfect spot as if looking for beachfront real estate. "Tree or bush? Tree or bush?" And I don't have that many trees. Then, once his business is taken care of -- and I make a mental note where we're going to have to shovel come summer -- he is off the going out obsession and onto a new one: going back in.
It doesn't matter than he was in just two minutes ago. "Things have changed! Things have changed!" he seems to pant. "I gotta get in there! I gotta check it out! Hurry up, hurry up!" When I open the door, he bolts in, races back and forth -- looking for space aliens, I suppose -- and when he doesnít find any, he isn't disappointed. Instead, he snarls at some ratty toy he's played with for months, throws it into the air with his teeth, and watches it land.
"Look at that!" he seems to say. "It goes up, it comes down!"
As I make a cup of coffee, he jumps up to watch. "Whatcha doin? Whatcha doin? Coffee, huh? That's amazing!"
When I leave the room and disappear behind the bathroom door, he lies down outside and waits for me to come out again. If it is only 30 seconds later, he will still react as if I was a released hostage.
The sunny side. Now, my dog does not work. He does not pay taxes. He does not create anything new (unless you consider the bushes outside). But he also doesn't need clothes, doesn't covet cars or jewelry, and doesn't care about houses, as long as he can find a sunny spot on the floor and lie there for a few hours.
Meanwhile, I am bored with my same routine. Getting up is a drag. I can't get excited about breakfast. And going out then coming back only makes me wonder how many flies I've let in.
So I'm trying to imitate my dog. I'm trying to find wonder in the everyday. After all, when you think about it, it is pretty remarkable that you open your eyes each morning. And since every few hours you get to quench your hunger, well, that's a thrill, when you consider the alternative. So while I can't match my dog's drool, I am trying to match his zeal.
Don't worry. If you come to visit, I will not mark any walls or furniture. On the other hand, that sunny spot on the floor looks pretty tempting...
Author unknown

A dog can express more with his tail in minutes than his owner can express with his tongue in hours. -Anonymous

The Difference Between Dogs and Cats
A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, 
and take good care of me...They must be gods!
A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, 
and take good care of me... I must be a god!

"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs." -- Aldous Huxley